All or Nothing

Falling..one of the many meanings I found were to  Move downward, typically rapidly and freely without control, from a higher to a lower level...To undergo conquest or capture, especially as the result of an armed attack..To experience defeat or ruin...those are just to name a few that I found when searching the definition..and I cannot say how true those meanings are. We fall.. every day we fall. Sometimes those falls result for months..for years..maybe just a day.. but we fall.


When Is started this blog several years ago it was a way for me to express my feelings..issues I was dealing with and for me it was a "healing" feeling to have them written down. I of course hoped that it may encourage anyone who may read it. Since my last post almost I year ago I fell.. and I fell hard..not even within two weeks of writing that post. You see my hearts desire and my willingness to followup the Lord were still separate. I will still fighting that battle inside of what I want and what God wants.  I was heavily under an "armed attack"..but instead of letting Jesus take my place in battle knowing he would win.. I choose to stand there and be captured. It wasn't that I wanted to be..but in a way I did. Those desires in my heart this wicked flesh I did not want to put to death. I as usual wanted what I wanted. I rationalized and made excuses for myself. And as I drifted apart from the Lord the emptiness that ensued was extremely depressing. Yet even in that emptiness I would continue to fall. 


We often try to fill that emptiness we feel with so many other things. Or in my case try to numb it out. But that only lasts for a time. When the music is gone, the alcohol wears off and smell of cigarette smoke is just disgusting and you are home at some ungodly hour...and you are sickened with yourself and your actions..you are alone and that emptiness is still there..and now to add to it regret and condemnation from the devil. And as a believer..knowing that you are saying "God, I know what is right and what you ask of me..but you know what I don't care, I want this.. I want that.. I want to live my life how I want to. "


I love the song Amazing Grace..but where it says you saved a wretch like me..I looked that up..a wretch, it says A miserable, unfortunate, or unhappy person. Someone you feel sorry for.. a poor soul..someone who performs wicked deeds. Well that can pretty much be said of what I was. 


God sat watching me act this way and do those wicked things and dishonor him and myself..and the whole while pulling at my heart going.. I love you, what are you doing?? I am so hard headed, I am one of those people God has to hit over the head with a 2x4 to get my attention sometimes. And no major crisis happened to me but something did that hurt emotionally. For me it was an internal WAM. And it wasn't something that got my attention when it happened..it was something that got my attention about 2 days later as I wept and was angry and was just down right depressed. As I sat with my heart in pieces yet again of my own doing..God sat beside me..he said we need to talk about some things and we need to get right, and that then he could pick me back up again from this long painful winding fall I was in. 


I realized that I needed to make a decision. It was all or nothing. This was it I was done. I was either going to walk with the Lord 110% or I was going to just say forget it and just let this spiral take me and destroy me and ruin me. It was then that I had to fall on my face before God, to ask forgiveness and to realize things have to change. My life HAS to change. Oh I have wanted that before...but I wanted to be able to mingle this world and Jesus still. It doesn't work like that. And even though this is the 700th (atleast) time I had fallen on my face before God..this was different. He began to change me then and there.. he began to pour out his love and grace on me. I felt strong again I felt peaceful I felt comfort. I no longer felt empty. But I also felt his hand on my heart going..we need to do surgery.. and we need to do it now. And boy did he..and he still is. Some of those things were really hard and still are. And of course some of those things he is still working on me in. But it is only through him that I was able to come to a place where I said I am done Lord I am tired of running from you..I'm yours wholeheartedly. 


I have no doubt I am gonna face things and not always do the right thing. But the mindset its that 180 degree turn when we repent. I want to love what he loves and hate what he hates. Its not my will but yours Lord. I am not saying that I got it going on and I am just " oh look at me" cause that is sooooo not the case. I am a sinner saved by grace and grace alone. Nothing of myself but the Lord. All I can do is guard my heart and point my eyes to Jesus. I have seen how even when I take my eyes off him for the smallest thing it gives way for the enemy. And he is coming at me..woooo buddy he is coming. But I do not fear because in the end...We win! 


My heart is spoken for! There is no turning back ...its all or nothing. It may not be easy and there will be times where it may hurt but with the Lord I will make it through. I will run the race set before me and running as to win. This life has nothing for me..but in God I have everything.


So what about you.. are you all in?