A cut to the heart...

Today has been one of those days just crazy getting kids ready for school...and just running around and being tired from work..then a fight..uhhgg...There are people in your lives that you think will never turn their back on you...but then you realize that that is exactly what they have done. People that you once were so close to they were closer than your own family.I don't understand why people act the way they do or think the way they think..I have never done anything to them, I have always been there and done whatever I could whenever I could. I would have given them the shirt off my back if I could. And yet here we are today and they have pushed me out of their lives..and that pain just hurts alot. I have attempted on several occasions to call email message them to say hello and see how they are and I get nothing in return. What did I do wrong?
what did I ever do to be shunned from their lives. and in the situation I am in if things are ever resolved how do you just pretend like they didn't just push you away. I could never do that..I could understand if I was some evil person that did horrid things to them but I didn't..I just don't get it. but I just decided if thats what they wanted to do then fine.. I am tired of being made to feel like the bad guy like I did something to deserve this treatment..you have to answer to God for your actions. I was told this would happen and Ididn't believe that it would and was assured it never would but yet here I sit and it did happen..I am soo hurt and frustrated and feel just like a piece of crap all these people that said they cared so much turns out they really don't. I just can't describe how this feels to be pushed away by so many that you loved and held so close.

Fireproof

So I just finished watching the movie fireproof yes and I am off and still up till 3am.. and no I don't know what my problem is..to much stuff on my mind. I cried oh how I cried so hard with this movie..and the soundtrack is awesome..I needed this..I needed to see this. Although I have no clue how this can ever be fixed..especially now. I trust you lord plain and simple..Not sure what I am suppose to do at this moment want to text him and ask for his forgiveness for giving up. For disbelieving god. but I am scared..its putting myself out there its taking away the upper hand the control I have to not be hurt. but I guess I just need to...stop trying to put this huge wall up so you don't break my heart so you don't keep hurting me..this is soooo hard. I just keep sitting here thinking how can this ever work..HOW LORD HOW???? I just feel like I am giving in..uhggg this is soo freaking hard. But someone has to bend and I wish it was you...I dunno I just haveno clue what the next step is..so I am not gonna move till I know that. Just wait....gulp....patiently.


Lord help me to be patient..to trust you and know you have never let me down not once ever in my life. Help me to keep praying for my marraige and my husband amidst the feelings I have at the moment over the situation. Lord make it all that you want it to be. And forgive me for giving up and thinking this is beyond what you can do. Amen

Wasted Time

So...... been a rollercoaster ride lately and right now I am on the 90 degree angle going down...fell like the restraints are loosing and at any moment are gonna I am gonna fall out. yeah needless to say it really sucks..I just don't know what to do.. I feel stuck and trapped and just plain out depressed.. I look back on the almost 10 years of my life that I have been going through this and after what happened its like wow....wasted time..of course I got my beautiful children out of it soo there were some perks. but 10 years is a long time to hold on to something that never was. When you are a little girl you dream of the prince charming and the white dress and the home and the kids and all that..I don't believe any part of that dream invloved anything that I have gone through the past 10 years..but of course alot of that is my fault..bad decisions..never realized just how horrible the decisions you make in your life can be...where they can take you. I feel like a failure.. feel let I am letting my kids down..god down..everyone down.. cause all I want to do right now is go print divorce papers and send them in and be done...just accept my failure and move on..and I am not sure what keeps me from it..think apart of it is not wanting to know that 10 years was a waste..cause how awful is that..then there is the part that hears the lord telling me that I am not doing what he told me to do...which at the moment guess I am not..then heres the small part of me that thinks if I let this go...if I walk away I know he will sign them and then that chance is gone..and by chance I mean that small tiny ity bity piece of thread that you can barely see thats almost invisible that things would be how god wants them would be gone. So I don't know...all I know is that I just feel like crap..all around. I feel like just giving up completely cause I feel like I have lost all hope. I don't want to be with someone that loves with conditions..based on looks or what they can get from me. And more importantly I don't want to be with someone who is trying to force themselves to love me because they are suppose to.. I want to be loved because they truley just love me..same reason God gave us free will he doesn't want us to love him cause he made us love him..he wants us to love him because we want to love him. I realized the other night that I am not inlove with my husband..which not sure how that makes me feel..and I realized how he really feels which makes it more understandable why he can just walk away with no regrets...cause to him its nothing..I'm nothing.

So I am just sitting here not knowing what to do wanting to probably make more bad decisions cause I just don't know what the right ones are anymore. I have taken from my kids a life the deserved to have because of my bad decisions, and I sit here now heartbroken cause I didn't have the strenght to stay away years and years ago..because I thought he really loved me..oh how our hearts betray us and our minds..we can want something so bad that we make ourselves believe that its really true. And I did I really really believed he was still in love with me deep down..that he really wanted me and thats just not the case.. In fact I really don't believe he loves me at all..oh he cares of course we have children but in all honesty I really think if we didn't he could walk away and never speak to me again and his life would be fine..and to a point so would mine..but not sure what makes my heart hurt at the thought of that. Maybe its the fact of accepting failure..or realizing its over..that no matter what you were never good enough for this person..the one person in your life that was suppose to love you and cherish you and honor you...that for some reason they never wanted those things with you...I dunno..

Its really hard lately cause I spend alot of time around happy loving couples..ones who just adore eachother oh I know they have their issues..but you see it..you see it in the way they look at eachother the glances that you catch when they think no ones looking..the small touches or just a number of things..that is love..in its purest form..just very sweet. And its hard to not see that and wish with all my heart I had that.. I want to look back on memories and cherish them..not the way I do now realizing that even those moments theones I soo dearly held onto...they were all lies every last one of them..how utterly decieved I was..and how easily decieved apparently I was.


So I look back on this past 10 years and my heart breaks..1/3 of my life gone..and all of it lies and deceit and hurt..the only good thing that came out of it was the kids but yet...I see their little hearts hurt because I failed...Icouldn't give them the life they should have.. a mother and a father who love God and love them...they are just stuck with me.. a struggling mom who makes bad decisions all too often..who loses her temper and works to much. A woman who fails God constantly and fails her children everyday because she is not being the woman Gods wants her to be...and I feel stuck like this...feel like everything I do is just more time wasted..

Steps back and more tears

So things were going really well...talking being civil...and then I dunno...just down they went...
my heart hurts soo much right now... I hate playing mind games and I so feel that is what is going on...but tonight things were said...things that cut to who I am..that hurt soo deep..things that you never say to someone no matter how true they are..but he said them to me..dear god it hurts soo bad.. how can someone be soo cruel..I don't understand lord..I don't understand how you can fix this when he doesn't love me when he says these things..but then says he is willing to work on trying to love me..I mean who wants to know that..who wants to look at that person and think your trying to make yourself care about me..its a horrid horrid feeling..I feel so much like just crawling in a corner.. I feel soo worthless and soo disgusting and just like a piece of crap..and I just don't know what to do..the things he said can never be unsaid..god my heart just is sinking..this post is all over the place sorry but I am all over the place right now..I just can't believe someone would say those things ...what do I do now lord..how do you go on knowing god wants you to be with this person..and then know how this person thinks of you...
Apparently even the good things that were apart of our marriage weren't in his eyes..the areas I thought we were okay..apparently they were all awful in his eyes.. I don't even want to try anymore.. I just want to give up and stay away from him..and find someone who will love me for me...not for how I look or what I can give them or how I can please them.


okay deep breaths and I need to pray god how I need you right now...

Ask and it shall be given, Seek and you shall find, Knock and the door shall be open

So yes it been a while, mainly because I have been going through things and the lord is dealing with me and also because I am just so darn tired from working so much, But praise God! that I have a job and more than one. The past two three weeks have been a battle for me..struggles I never had have come up temptation I never had before has taken me by suprise, oh how the evil one works his ways..but I am not bound to him..not bound to my sin. So yes its been a rough couple weeks but thank you Lord for helping me to realize where I was and that I am but dust and that my eyes were opened to what was going on and you provided a way of escape.. you always do that.

Wow there is so much to type. but later...

answered and unanswered prayers

Each day brings new challaneges, things are always changing and you never know whats gonna happen next...the past couple days have been a mix of answered prayers and unanswered prayers..but I have to first and formost thank god..although be it I have no clue how the conversation included this I found out my husband is seeking the lord.. Which has been such a deep deep prayer for me I cannot..well I am sure just from my post you have seen how many tears I have cried begging the lord to not let him turn away from him. As far as some of the ideas he is having about the lord not sure where he is getting his information but atleast I know a little better how to pray for him instead of just Lord don't let him go...but praise God.. I had asked the Lord over and over again please show me something that your working because my heart is weary and this path is hard and even the smallest glimpse something so show me that you are doing what you said you will.. and sure enough there we go.. God is soo good...and yet we choose to not believe him..He says he will not withold any good things from us.. and its a good thing for reconciliation, its a good thing to want the Lord as head of your family in all aspects, and its a good thing to know eternity will be spent together with the ones you love.

Now of course any issues with our marriage and any kind of reconciliation is still a LONG ways off I think anyways..I don't know how God plans to mend all this but I know he will. Because he has never waivered in what he has always spoken to me regarding my marriage and regarding what I needed to do as far as me and God goes.. I just haven't always chosen to follow it cause I think I know better.. which obviously I don't..The Divorce is still on the table and apart of me expects to see the papers in the mail and apart of me doesn't...but it is not my job to convince him of what the bible says and not only that what God has spoken to my heart..Thats between him and the Lord he chooses what he will do..But it cannot involve me in that process I gave him some scripture to look up..but other than that...I just can't..it has to be God working in his life.. and I pray in time..God's time...he will listen to the lord.

So I will pray and try to calm my heart that leaps with the thought he is atleast trying to open his heart up to what God has to say..because the road ahead is not easy and its very long but when Jesus carries you you know what.. it aint that bad of a ride when you can sleep on his shoulder.

So Lord thanks for always being faithful, knowing that you don't owe me a sign or anything because the only sign I ever need is on the cross..but yet you know my heart and you know that I needed that you are soo merciful that even while we struggle with things and unbelief you are still sitting there going ..if you would just believe me..believe I can do all I said I will because I work all things for your good because you love me..oh how precious our savior is that he comes down to our level and shows us small glimpses to calm are heart and to continue to endure. He is such a great encourager and I am so blessed to call him my father.

Falling apart...

So today things are starting to hit me. I have until the 30th for my fulltime job then I won't have it anymore which is depressing just in and of itself..but today I feel alone..i feel empty and scared. And I miss you so much today, I have been fine the past week or two..just trying to live and survive..but today I am in tears I miss you so dearly. Probably my own fault for looking at pictures of old time and special moments..and I don't understand..how did I get here. How did all this happen..and why isn't it being fixed...my heart hurts and feels like there is nothing left..everything around me feels like its falling apart..and all I want is you to be there to hold me and tell me you are there. and it hurts the most that you won't and there is nothing I can say or do to change anything. It is soo frustrating to be inlove with somone who could care less. I don't know what I am gonna do about anything and trying to just leave it in Gods hands but I am so scared...I don't wanna move I don't want to keep on struggling and I just wish everything would be okay it doesn't have to be perfect but I would take okay no more drama no more pain...

Well thats where I am right now :( uhhggg I hate this..trying to not call you trying to not break down..pretend like I am soo strong and I can handle it as usually but inside I am just broken..

Anyways nothing I can do soo just gonna keep going I guess...dunno where but keep going

steps along the beaten path

Whew been a while since I wrote, only because so much is going on and I am not quite sure what on earth I am suppose to do about any of it...feel like a country song, lost my husband, might lose my job, waiting for the dog to fall dead..lol no but really its been rough and a testing couple weeks. It seems I may not have a job soon, to much drama to write about basically they want a scape goat and I am the candidate. so oh well.. but I am terrified..what will I do, where will I live I dunno..if I lose the job I lose my house and its just soo scary and when all of it started happening all I could do was sit..no one really to call I felt sooo alone. I am so greatful for the close friends I have that let me blab their ears off with all my drama..but when its all said and done and I am sitting alone in the dark..its all soo big and so real..how did I get here..Life seems to never work out quite the way we want it to. I want to just run away , go in a corner and not come out..but when you have other people depending on you its not that easy. So I am just trying to take a deep breath and hold it together. I am just scared at any moment I am gonna lose it completly.. The stress just seems to be building more and more.. and with no help it makes it really hard..

The sad part..the only person I wanted to call was my husband..he was the only one I wanted with me..he had always been a rock when it came to issues with my job..always stood by me and if it came to it would have told me to tell them to shove it and move on. But he wasn't here for that..he wasn't here to tell me it would be okay and we would figure it out together and we would be okay. And I sat there staring at the phone for probably a good hour just holding myself back from calling ... cause it wouldn't help and wouldn't change anything..I had to realize I am in this alone (of course I have God) but as far as everything goes..it was just me and I think that part sinking in slowly more and more is whats making this soo hard..I feel soo weak and like I am making allt he wrong decisions sometimes..I want to close my eyes and wake up to the part where everything is fixed and happy..whenever that may be

But God has a reason for allowing all this in my life and even though I don't have the slightest clue why I know he always makes a way of escape.. and it might be losing my job and moving again..and starting over yet again but I guess if thats what he wants than I will just have to do it. I know we will be a happy family where ever we are as long as we are together. So i am trying to take a deep breath not run away from it all but just stand..not knowing what tomorrow will bring and being unsure of how anything will turn out but I am gonna stand on the promise that God is faithful.

on a side note.. funny story... tried to cut my sons hair myself yesterday...ummm note to self don't do that again..needless to say we are gonna buzz it off today lol

I Miss You

I thought this was suppose to get easier but I guess not..it seems to be getting harder :( I just miss you soo much and I miss you more and more each day..and each day that passes and we don't talk my heart hurts just a little more..its been a month...feels like forever..I miss telling you how my day went and listening to yours. I miss the sweet little texts of " I love you's" and " can't wait to see you" we would send..and I miss you calling me in the morning to say good morning to me..I hate this soo much.. I feel like I am missing apart of myself..and its a battle everyday to not call you to not text you and tell you how much I miss you and how much I love you.. so I just sit on my bed and cry..God I cry so many tears for you, and I beg God to fix this and even though I don't know how this will all end and workout I know it will but in Gods timing..I just can't imagine our lives serperate and it just rips me to pieces to think of it that way.

I wish you knew how much I love you..I think you do and I want too badly to tell you, you have no idea how hard this has been for me to not act upon everything I want to do.. but I know it wouldn't change anything.. I'm not gonna play those games this time, I'm not gonna beg you to come back..I can't not this time.. I can pray thats all and know that God can change your heart and turn you back to him and reconcile us..But since I can't call you and tell you how I feel I will write it here.. I LOVE YOU!!!! I MISS YOU!!! soo much it hurts.. I see your face soo clearly in my mind your beautiful smile with your dimples and the way your eyes have this sweet glow when you look at me...and I hear all your words that you said echo in my mind all day and its like torture..but I hold so tight to them...Its been rough this past 9 years.. God knows that..but he can make the next 9...15...20 a dream :) so I am trying to just trust him and its soo hard.. its soo hard to let go..I feel like this pain will never end..and it will never change sometimes but then I hear Gods voice whisper to me.. I hear you and I love you and I can make this all better just be patient I am working...not as fast as I may want but he does show me in little ways he is working..soo I will sit and love you and miss you and just pray that you know I am here praying for you..

Soooo tired...

So this week has been rough...rougher than I thought it would be.. I knew there would be days that would suck..but not everyday...I just miss you soo much...and I have no idea why I miss you so much..I don't even know if I knew you...and the person I miss may have been a fake..uhhggg I dunno. And I have sat and watched my sons heart break over and over again because I have to explain to him that you aren't going to come back..and even though he thinks he can make you it wouldn't be the right way... I hate seeing him in that pain that I cannot fix..and all I can say is lets pray for daddy..and that I miss you too and I wish you were here too..but I know that it can't happen..not like this.

But, I have sat and cried over and over..just wondering..wanting to just throw the towel in...to just forget about you...but I can't..and I don't get it.. I should hate you, and I don't which is frustrating cause I am sure it would be easier if I hated you..but I love you..with all my heart..and I guess thats what hurts soo bad.. to love you soo much and see what you are doing. Watching the path you are taking and terrified I am gonna get a call one day that you are gone. and I just don't wanna think about that.

And I look at the things you wrote me and I am just am trying to find out how I didn't see...how you could have been such a good liar..and I don't know. Did you ever love me...was it ever about me. And were you soo unhappy? Just stupid thoughts I think.. and I have no clue..no clue what was true. But I know my love was real..there were hard times but I loved you..I will always love you..and I have forgiven you for the things you've done to me and to our kids. And I have no idea what is gonna happen next. and sometimes I just get scared...and all I want is to call you and talk to you to tell you how much I miss you and love you..and that I need you. But I know it doesn't matter it doesn't solve anything so I don't say anything..I just get my bible and then pour my heart out to God. Cause he is the only one that can fix this... and I don't see how he can but I know he can.. and I ask him with everything in me to change your life..so that it is right that we can be right together..that I can look at you and know I will see you in eternity...

So it has been a rough week of alot of tears and heartbroken moments where I feel soo low..but Jesus picks me up and shows me everyday how much he is there for me. And I pray for you always..all day..all night..that your heart would not be hardened..and that you can see...and that he would tell you that I love you because I can't.. and I won't stop.. no matter how tired I am..I will never stop praying for you and hoping and having faith in God that he will make this all right.

I wish I understood...

It seems everyday there is something new..someone does or says something..I am soo tired of the drama..everyone has their opinion..how I should do things..act..think..whatever...I'm tired of thinking..tired of trying to figure out what the next step is sooo guess what.. I'm DONE..

I don't care anymore what you say about me..what you think about me... you want to spread lies..you want to say how awful I am how selfish I am how whatever you think I am..cause you know what...TAKE IT UP WITH GOD..

Everyday I try to do the best I can... I search my heart..I pray to make sure I am doing whats right..This is not an easy thing to do..none of this is..loving someone and being able to not do anything about it..watching someone throw their life away.. for what..and there are times I get terrified..scared to death I will get that call that something has happened..

But I am trying to trust God..cause I don't understand...any of this..WHY...and the answer isn't going to come..cause I don't need to know..I know all that I need to in my bible.. and thats that God is faithful..he doesn't let me down..he doesn't turn his back on me..he doesn't speak ill of me cause I am not doing what he wants me to do..he just loves me...forgives me...and holds me soo close to him to protect me.

And even though I don't understand why you judge me..why you hurt me soo..why you say the things you do..I don't need to...cause I am giving it to God..I am soo tired lord..so tired of this struggle..to be strong to worry about what others say..all I care about is what YOU have to say of me..and as long as its well done good and faithful servant than thats all I need to hear..Lord you now my heart...you've searched it..the decisions I make aren't easy ones..not by far..but all I can do is the best I can and with the lords guidence make the right ones..Blame me for what has happened I don't care anymore..and talk bad of me...I DONT CARE ANYMORE....


Lord comfort me and be my guide.. a lamp unto my feet..touch the hearts of those who have said things that were wrong..that they could see I'm just doing the best I can...and just because they say things of me doesn't mean I don't love them...cause I do..immensly..but I just don't have the energy anymore for anymore drama..sooo there you go lord take it all...the hurt..the pain...the words...the people who have walked away...and just hold me close..so close lord...cause all I ever need to understand was the cross..so bring me there and hold me under the shadow of your wings and remind me that you are all I will ever need.

My life with you as I remember it....

I remember the day we met when you just stared at me...and we talked all night..

I remember..when you told me you were in love with me..I was soo nervous and scared to tell you how I felt..

I remember the night you were saved..I cried I was soo happy for you..09/27/2001

I remember when you held our son for the first time...and then I watched as the tears welled in your eyes and the love you had at that moment touched my heart.

I remember when we went to the 4th of July concert and as you and Nicholas on your shoulders in the pouring rain raised your Hands and sang to the Lord "Rain Down" , I have never been soo in love in my life.

I remember when you told me you wanted to be right in Gods eyes and you asked me to marry you..so silly in the way you did it but it was soo you..

I remember when we said our vows and we both cried..And god made us one..

I remember when you sat with me before we had Olivia and made me laugh because i was scared.. I was soo sad you couldn't be in there with me.

I remember your face when you held your daughter for the first time. I knew from that point on she had you wrapped around her finger..

I remember laughing so much at us being soo stupid all the time.. our silly jokes..when we would always say the same thing..

I remember when you told me that you were more inlove with me now than the day you met me...that meant the world to me...

I remember when we lost the babies how you stood by my side and held me as I cried in your arms...

I remember moving to our new home and all the fun times of having family here and special nights of sitting together in eachothers arms and just being happy....

I remember when you left..the pain the sadness and I didn't understand..but..

I will remember when you come back to the lord...and when you life will be saved and for the last time you will leave..and our life can be all that God meant for it to be..

I will never forget that God has you in his hands..always and forever..and though now this seems to far away my God is able to mend what is broken..to bring back the lost..to strengthen and cleanse..to make whole what is apart..I love you soo much..and I will never ever stop praying for you to return not to me but to the Lord..For he is good and his mercies endure forever AMEN!

Just Give up....

So this is my first blog...writig all the things on my mind and who knows maybe it will help someone else out there. Now the title may strike you as odd...just give up? give up on what?..well plainly said..give up on everything..now I don't mean just stop living. The point of the matter is to give up trying to do things in your own power. Stop trying to fix it all, cause guess what? YOU CAN'T!. Now I know wow this sounds depressing right..but please read on.

Let me give you some background.. my name is Sarah.. I am a Christian.. and not one of those my parents were christians so that makes me one. I am a born Again believer that Christ Jesus died for my sins..and I am forgiven. That I am a new creation :). I am currently going through some very tough struggles right now and how better to put my feelings and thoughts down..agree disagree I will still say them. When I say to give up..I mean give up trying to do things in your own power, your own strength, and your own will. Cause guess what you will fail. Believe me been there done that. My situation, I have just recently been seperated from my husband..the pain is so deep and the betrayal so harsh..and this isn't the first time. But I don't write to say all the things that brought this about cause it doesn't matter...There was sin involved and no matter what kind..it can destroy a marriage. For years when things would happen I would try so hard in my power to fix my marriage.. thinking I will be a better wife. I will listen, I will be attentive and try to understand.. I will be accepting..anything to not lose the man I so deeply love. And of course I will forgive and forget (the latter is much harder than the previous). And in someways I did all that.. guess what it didn't keep my marriage from falling apart again..and again..and it didn't stop the pain I feel from it each time. But this time its different. Because you know what.. I gave up..I can't fix this.. I can't even try to fix this..no matter what I could think of to do it wouldn't matter. So finally I fell before my knees and realized God without you I am nothing.. without your mercy and gracious love for me I would be so lost. and I wondered how on earth someone who doesn't have Christ can go through all this. Because I know I certainly couldn't.

Anyways...soo like I said I gave up, I didn't give up on my marriage being healed or my husband walking back into the arms of Jesus , I gave up on it being me who made all this come about.. because I just can't and only he can. Its a realization that is humbling and crushing at the same time.. cause it means I am out of control of my own situation. And anyone who knows me knows I am a control freak...I hate not knowing what is coming or what will happen next. It scares me..but can I tell you.. giving up and letting go..there is such a beautifulness about it. Looking up and saying I can't..I can't do it lord..I can't save him and I have to let you take this..I have to let you have control of all these things in my life that have spun out of control. And such a loving presence of my lord comforting me and telling me.. I will.. I promised you I will. because he did in his word he has promised me so much.. but yet I don't trust him..why? why when he has never given me reason not to?. Simply because I want to control it all I want to make it all happen the way I want.. and guess what? Thats not always the plan he has. The feeling of relief that stirs over me knowing I don't have to worry anymore..its beyond any feeling I can ever or have ever felt. The security of knowing my life.. my husband and my childrens are in the hands of the one who made the stars..made the earth..and made me. The time he took to make me who I am in him today.

So today and everyday..I have to give up..sometimes multiple times a day I have to give up..cause this flesh this mortal person wants so badly to take control back..uhggg SIN! And I know some may read this and say "she's crazy"..and on advice of many people I was told.. forget him..you deserve so much better..move on..get over it..you will meet someone else..and I have pondered all of these aspects and decisions to be made..and yet there is only one thing I can come to. I will not lose hope. i judge so often those who have walked away from God..who have forsaken him for their own selfish desires..But yet myself..how often daily do I screw up.. oh yes the things I do may not be as obvious or as detremental to others..but I hurt god everyday I sin everyday I blow it...but yet he forgives me and all I have to do is raise my hands to him and confess it and he brings me back to himself..and I so don't deserve that..a love so unconditional that even when I walk away he doesn't; he tugs on my heart and he comforts me in my unrightous anger and bitterness, and he forgives..endlessly fogives me of all my faults. Who am I to not forgive someone elses.. So again I will not lose hope. I have a God who is mighty and who is strong to mend my heart and take control. A God who can in a blink of an eye fix all of this..and a God who loves my husband and children so deeply it touches my heart. and though he is walking away at the moment I will not lose hope in my savior that my husband will turn around..that he will fall on his knees before his father and his eyes will be opened. And our marriage may one day after that be mended and made strong and will never break again. So I will not lose hope..but I will simply just give up...give up to the lord and let him take the lead and control my life..

I don't know what you may be going through..something different than what I go through but non the less..You have someone who loves you with a love that you can never match..nor you will ever find in anything or anyone..He died for you.. he shed his blood so that you can spend eternity with him. And he asks nothing in return from you except that you believe on him..and accept his free gift of Salvation. Stop troubling your heart...get on knees and let go..give up..and you will be soo surprised at the miracle that is the Lord Jesus and how he can fill your every need and fill your heart and let him take control..because you can finally give it all up to him.