I wish I understood...

It seems everyday there is something new..someone does or says something..I am soo tired of the drama..everyone has their opinion..how I should do things..act..think..whatever...I'm tired of thinking..tired of trying to figure out what the next step is sooo guess what.. I'm DONE..

I don't care anymore what you say about me..what you think about me... you want to spread lies..you want to say how awful I am how selfish I am how whatever you think I am..cause you know what...TAKE IT UP WITH GOD..

Everyday I try to do the best I can... I search my heart..I pray to make sure I am doing whats right..This is not an easy thing to do..none of this is..loving someone and being able to not do anything about it..watching someone throw their life away.. for what..and there are times I get terrified..scared to death I will get that call that something has happened..

But I am trying to trust God..cause I don't understand...any of this..WHY...and the answer isn't going to come..cause I don't need to know..I know all that I need to in my bible.. and thats that God is faithful..he doesn't let me down..he doesn't turn his back on me..he doesn't speak ill of me cause I am not doing what he wants me to do..he just loves me...forgives me...and holds me soo close to him to protect me.

And even though I don't understand why you judge me..why you hurt me soo..why you say the things you do..I don't need to...cause I am giving it to God..I am soo tired lord..so tired of this struggle..to be strong to worry about what others say..all I care about is what YOU have to say of me..and as long as its well done good and faithful servant than thats all I need to hear..Lord you now my heart...you've searched it..the decisions I make aren't easy ones..not by far..but all I can do is the best I can and with the lords guidence make the right ones..Blame me for what has happened I don't care anymore..and talk bad of me...I DONT CARE ANYMORE....


Lord comfort me and be my guide.. a lamp unto my feet..touch the hearts of those who have said things that were wrong..that they could see I'm just doing the best I can...and just because they say things of me doesn't mean I don't love them...cause I do..immensly..but I just don't have the energy anymore for anymore drama..sooo there you go lord take it all...the hurt..the pain...the words...the people who have walked away...and just hold me close..so close lord...cause all I ever need to understand was the cross..so bring me there and hold me under the shadow of your wings and remind me that you are all I will ever need.

My life with you as I remember it....

I remember the day we met when you just stared at me...and we talked all night..

I remember..when you told me you were in love with me..I was soo nervous and scared to tell you how I felt..

I remember the night you were saved..I cried I was soo happy for you..09/27/2001

I remember when you held our son for the first time...and then I watched as the tears welled in your eyes and the love you had at that moment touched my heart.

I remember when we went to the 4th of July concert and as you and Nicholas on your shoulders in the pouring rain raised your Hands and sang to the Lord "Rain Down" , I have never been soo in love in my life.

I remember when you told me you wanted to be right in Gods eyes and you asked me to marry you..so silly in the way you did it but it was soo you..

I remember when we said our vows and we both cried..And god made us one..

I remember when you sat with me before we had Olivia and made me laugh because i was scared.. I was soo sad you couldn't be in there with me.

I remember your face when you held your daughter for the first time. I knew from that point on she had you wrapped around her finger..

I remember laughing so much at us being soo stupid all the time.. our silly jokes..when we would always say the same thing..

I remember when you told me that you were more inlove with me now than the day you met me...that meant the world to me...

I remember when we lost the babies how you stood by my side and held me as I cried in your arms...

I remember moving to our new home and all the fun times of having family here and special nights of sitting together in eachothers arms and just being happy....

I remember when you left..the pain the sadness and I didn't understand..but..

I will remember when you come back to the lord...and when you life will be saved and for the last time you will leave..and our life can be all that God meant for it to be..

I will never forget that God has you in his hands..always and forever..and though now this seems to far away my God is able to mend what is broken..to bring back the lost..to strengthen and cleanse..to make whole what is apart..I love you soo much..and I will never ever stop praying for you to return not to me but to the Lord..For he is good and his mercies endure forever AMEN!

Just Give up....

So this is my first blog...writig all the things on my mind and who knows maybe it will help someone else out there. Now the title may strike you as odd...just give up? give up on what?..well plainly said..give up on everything..now I don't mean just stop living. The point of the matter is to give up trying to do things in your own power. Stop trying to fix it all, cause guess what? YOU CAN'T!. Now I know wow this sounds depressing right..but please read on.

Let me give you some background.. my name is Sarah.. I am a Christian.. and not one of those my parents were christians so that makes me one. I am a born Again believer that Christ Jesus died for my sins..and I am forgiven. That I am a new creation :). I am currently going through some very tough struggles right now and how better to put my feelings and thoughts down..agree disagree I will still say them. When I say to give up..I mean give up trying to do things in your own power, your own strength, and your own will. Cause guess what you will fail. Believe me been there done that. My situation, I have just recently been seperated from my husband..the pain is so deep and the betrayal so harsh..and this isn't the first time. But I don't write to say all the things that brought this about cause it doesn't matter...There was sin involved and no matter what kind..it can destroy a marriage. For years when things would happen I would try so hard in my power to fix my marriage.. thinking I will be a better wife. I will listen, I will be attentive and try to understand.. I will be accepting..anything to not lose the man I so deeply love. And of course I will forgive and forget (the latter is much harder than the previous). And in someways I did all that.. guess what it didn't keep my marriage from falling apart again..and again..and it didn't stop the pain I feel from it each time. But this time its different. Because you know what.. I gave up..I can't fix this.. I can't even try to fix this..no matter what I could think of to do it wouldn't matter. So finally I fell before my knees and realized God without you I am nothing.. without your mercy and gracious love for me I would be so lost. and I wondered how on earth someone who doesn't have Christ can go through all this. Because I know I certainly couldn't.

Anyways...soo like I said I gave up, I didn't give up on my marriage being healed or my husband walking back into the arms of Jesus , I gave up on it being me who made all this come about.. because I just can't and only he can. Its a realization that is humbling and crushing at the same time.. cause it means I am out of control of my own situation. And anyone who knows me knows I am a control freak...I hate not knowing what is coming or what will happen next. It scares me..but can I tell you.. giving up and letting go..there is such a beautifulness about it. Looking up and saying I can't..I can't do it lord..I can't save him and I have to let you take this..I have to let you have control of all these things in my life that have spun out of control. And such a loving presence of my lord comforting me and telling me.. I will.. I promised you I will. because he did in his word he has promised me so much.. but yet I don't trust him..why? why when he has never given me reason not to?. Simply because I want to control it all I want to make it all happen the way I want.. and guess what? Thats not always the plan he has. The feeling of relief that stirs over me knowing I don't have to worry anymore..its beyond any feeling I can ever or have ever felt. The security of knowing my life.. my husband and my childrens are in the hands of the one who made the stars..made the earth..and made me. The time he took to make me who I am in him today.

So today and everyday..I have to give up..sometimes multiple times a day I have to give up..cause this flesh this mortal person wants so badly to take control back..uhggg SIN! And I know some may read this and say "she's crazy"..and on advice of many people I was told.. forget him..you deserve so much better..move on..get over it..you will meet someone else..and I have pondered all of these aspects and decisions to be made..and yet there is only one thing I can come to. I will not lose hope. i judge so often those who have walked away from God..who have forsaken him for their own selfish desires..But yet myself..how often daily do I screw up.. oh yes the things I do may not be as obvious or as detremental to others..but I hurt god everyday I sin everyday I blow it...but yet he forgives me and all I have to do is raise my hands to him and confess it and he brings me back to himself..and I so don't deserve that..a love so unconditional that even when I walk away he doesn't; he tugs on my heart and he comforts me in my unrightous anger and bitterness, and he forgives..endlessly fogives me of all my faults. Who am I to not forgive someone elses.. So again I will not lose hope. I have a God who is mighty and who is strong to mend my heart and take control. A God who can in a blink of an eye fix all of this..and a God who loves my husband and children so deeply it touches my heart. and though he is walking away at the moment I will not lose hope in my savior that my husband will turn around..that he will fall on his knees before his father and his eyes will be opened. And our marriage may one day after that be mended and made strong and will never break again. So I will not lose hope..but I will simply just give up...give up to the lord and let him take the lead and control my life..

I don't know what you may be going through..something different than what I go through but non the less..You have someone who loves you with a love that you can never match..nor you will ever find in anything or anyone..He died for you.. he shed his blood so that you can spend eternity with him. And he asks nothing in return from you except that you believe on him..and accept his free gift of Salvation. Stop troubling your heart...get on knees and let go..give up..and you will be soo surprised at the miracle that is the Lord Jesus and how he can fill your every need and fill your heart and let him take control..because you can finally give it all up to him.