A cut to the heart...

Today has been one of those days just crazy getting kids ready for school...and just running around and being tired from work..then a fight..uhhgg...There are people in your lives that you think will never turn their back on you...but then you realize that that is exactly what they have done. People that you once were so close to they were closer than your own family.I don't understand why people act the way they do or think the way they think..I have never done anything to them, I have always been there and done whatever I could whenever I could. I would have given them the shirt off my back if I could. And yet here we are today and they have pushed me out of their lives..and that pain just hurts alot. I have attempted on several occasions to call email message them to say hello and see how they are and I get nothing in return. What did I do wrong?
what did I ever do to be shunned from their lives. and in the situation I am in if things are ever resolved how do you just pretend like they didn't just push you away. I could never do that..I could understand if I was some evil person that did horrid things to them but I didn't..I just don't get it. but I just decided if thats what they wanted to do then fine.. I am tired of being made to feel like the bad guy like I did something to deserve this treatment..you have to answer to God for your actions. I was told this would happen and Ididn't believe that it would and was assured it never would but yet here I sit and it did happen..I am soo hurt and frustrated and feel just like a piece of crap all these people that said they cared so much turns out they really don't. I just can't describe how this feels to be pushed away by so many that you loved and held so close.

Fireproof

So I just finished watching the movie fireproof yes and I am off and still up till 3am.. and no I don't know what my problem is..to much stuff on my mind. I cried oh how I cried so hard with this movie..and the soundtrack is awesome..I needed this..I needed to see this. Although I have no clue how this can ever be fixed..especially now. I trust you lord plain and simple..Not sure what I am suppose to do at this moment want to text him and ask for his forgiveness for giving up. For disbelieving god. but I am scared..its putting myself out there its taking away the upper hand the control I have to not be hurt. but I guess I just need to...stop trying to put this huge wall up so you don't break my heart so you don't keep hurting me..this is soooo hard. I just keep sitting here thinking how can this ever work..HOW LORD HOW???? I just feel like I am giving in..uhggg this is soo freaking hard. But someone has to bend and I wish it was you...I dunno I just haveno clue what the next step is..so I am not gonna move till I know that. Just wait....gulp....patiently.


Lord help me to be patient..to trust you and know you have never let me down not once ever in my life. Help me to keep praying for my marraige and my husband amidst the feelings I have at the moment over the situation. Lord make it all that you want it to be. And forgive me for giving up and thinking this is beyond what you can do. Amen

Wasted Time

So...... been a rollercoaster ride lately and right now I am on the 90 degree angle going down...fell like the restraints are loosing and at any moment are gonna I am gonna fall out. yeah needless to say it really sucks..I just don't know what to do.. I feel stuck and trapped and just plain out depressed.. I look back on the almost 10 years of my life that I have been going through this and after what happened its like wow....wasted time..of course I got my beautiful children out of it soo there were some perks. but 10 years is a long time to hold on to something that never was. When you are a little girl you dream of the prince charming and the white dress and the home and the kids and all that..I don't believe any part of that dream invloved anything that I have gone through the past 10 years..but of course alot of that is my fault..bad decisions..never realized just how horrible the decisions you make in your life can be...where they can take you. I feel like a failure.. feel let I am letting my kids down..god down..everyone down.. cause all I want to do right now is go print divorce papers and send them in and be done...just accept my failure and move on..and I am not sure what keeps me from it..think apart of it is not wanting to know that 10 years was a waste..cause how awful is that..then there is the part that hears the lord telling me that I am not doing what he told me to do...which at the moment guess I am not..then heres the small part of me that thinks if I let this go...if I walk away I know he will sign them and then that chance is gone..and by chance I mean that small tiny ity bity piece of thread that you can barely see thats almost invisible that things would be how god wants them would be gone. So I don't know...all I know is that I just feel like crap..all around. I feel like just giving up completely cause I feel like I have lost all hope. I don't want to be with someone that loves with conditions..based on looks or what they can get from me. And more importantly I don't want to be with someone who is trying to force themselves to love me because they are suppose to.. I want to be loved because they truley just love me..same reason God gave us free will he doesn't want us to love him cause he made us love him..he wants us to love him because we want to love him. I realized the other night that I am not inlove with my husband..which not sure how that makes me feel..and I realized how he really feels which makes it more understandable why he can just walk away with no regrets...cause to him its nothing..I'm nothing.

So I am just sitting here not knowing what to do wanting to probably make more bad decisions cause I just don't know what the right ones are anymore. I have taken from my kids a life the deserved to have because of my bad decisions, and I sit here now heartbroken cause I didn't have the strenght to stay away years and years ago..because I thought he really loved me..oh how our hearts betray us and our minds..we can want something so bad that we make ourselves believe that its really true. And I did I really really believed he was still in love with me deep down..that he really wanted me and thats just not the case.. In fact I really don't believe he loves me at all..oh he cares of course we have children but in all honesty I really think if we didn't he could walk away and never speak to me again and his life would be fine..and to a point so would mine..but not sure what makes my heart hurt at the thought of that. Maybe its the fact of accepting failure..or realizing its over..that no matter what you were never good enough for this person..the one person in your life that was suppose to love you and cherish you and honor you...that for some reason they never wanted those things with you...I dunno..

Its really hard lately cause I spend alot of time around happy loving couples..ones who just adore eachother oh I know they have their issues..but you see it..you see it in the way they look at eachother the glances that you catch when they think no ones looking..the small touches or just a number of things..that is love..in its purest form..just very sweet. And its hard to not see that and wish with all my heart I had that.. I want to look back on memories and cherish them..not the way I do now realizing that even those moments theones I soo dearly held onto...they were all lies every last one of them..how utterly decieved I was..and how easily decieved apparently I was.


So I look back on this past 10 years and my heart breaks..1/3 of my life gone..and all of it lies and deceit and hurt..the only good thing that came out of it was the kids but yet...I see their little hearts hurt because I failed...Icouldn't give them the life they should have.. a mother and a father who love God and love them...they are just stuck with me.. a struggling mom who makes bad decisions all too often..who loses her temper and works to much. A woman who fails God constantly and fails her children everyday because she is not being the woman Gods wants her to be...and I feel stuck like this...feel like everything I do is just more time wasted..

Steps back and more tears

So things were going really well...talking being civil...and then I dunno...just down they went...
my heart hurts soo much right now... I hate playing mind games and I so feel that is what is going on...but tonight things were said...things that cut to who I am..that hurt soo deep..things that you never say to someone no matter how true they are..but he said them to me..dear god it hurts soo bad.. how can someone be soo cruel..I don't understand lord..I don't understand how you can fix this when he doesn't love me when he says these things..but then says he is willing to work on trying to love me..I mean who wants to know that..who wants to look at that person and think your trying to make yourself care about me..its a horrid horrid feeling..I feel so much like just crawling in a corner.. I feel soo worthless and soo disgusting and just like a piece of crap..and I just don't know what to do..the things he said can never be unsaid..god my heart just is sinking..this post is all over the place sorry but I am all over the place right now..I just can't believe someone would say those things ...what do I do now lord..how do you go on knowing god wants you to be with this person..and then know how this person thinks of you...
Apparently even the good things that were apart of our marriage weren't in his eyes..the areas I thought we were okay..apparently they were all awful in his eyes.. I don't even want to try anymore.. I just want to give up and stay away from him..and find someone who will love me for me...not for how I look or what I can give them or how I can please them.


okay deep breaths and I need to pray god how I need you right now...