All or Nothing

Falling..one of the many meanings I found were to  Move downward, typically rapidly and freely without control, from a higher to a lower level...To undergo conquest or capture, especially as the result of an armed attack..To experience defeat or ruin...those are just to name a few that I found when searching the definition..and I cannot say how true those meanings are. We fall.. every day we fall. Sometimes those falls result for months..for years..maybe just a day.. but we fall.


When Is started this blog several years ago it was a way for me to express my feelings..issues I was dealing with and for me it was a "healing" feeling to have them written down. I of course hoped that it may encourage anyone who may read it. Since my last post almost I year ago I fell.. and I fell hard..not even within two weeks of writing that post. You see my hearts desire and my willingness to followup the Lord were still separate. I will still fighting that battle inside of what I want and what God wants.  I was heavily under an "armed attack"..but instead of letting Jesus take my place in battle knowing he would win.. I choose to stand there and be captured. It wasn't that I wanted to be..but in a way I did. Those desires in my heart this wicked flesh I did not want to put to death. I as usual wanted what I wanted. I rationalized and made excuses for myself. And as I drifted apart from the Lord the emptiness that ensued was extremely depressing. Yet even in that emptiness I would continue to fall. 


We often try to fill that emptiness we feel with so many other things. Or in my case try to numb it out. But that only lasts for a time. When the music is gone, the alcohol wears off and smell of cigarette smoke is just disgusting and you are home at some ungodly hour...and you are sickened with yourself and your actions..you are alone and that emptiness is still there..and now to add to it regret and condemnation from the devil. And as a believer..knowing that you are saying "God, I know what is right and what you ask of me..but you know what I don't care, I want this.. I want that.. I want to live my life how I want to. "


I love the song Amazing Grace..but where it says you saved a wretch like me..I looked that up..a wretch, it says A miserable, unfortunate, or unhappy person. Someone you feel sorry for.. a poor soul..someone who performs wicked deeds. Well that can pretty much be said of what I was. 


God sat watching me act this way and do those wicked things and dishonor him and myself..and the whole while pulling at my heart going.. I love you, what are you doing?? I am so hard headed, I am one of those people God has to hit over the head with a 2x4 to get my attention sometimes. And no major crisis happened to me but something did that hurt emotionally. For me it was an internal WAM. And it wasn't something that got my attention when it happened..it was something that got my attention about 2 days later as I wept and was angry and was just down right depressed. As I sat with my heart in pieces yet again of my own doing..God sat beside me..he said we need to talk about some things and we need to get right, and that then he could pick me back up again from this long painful winding fall I was in. 


I realized that I needed to make a decision. It was all or nothing. This was it I was done. I was either going to walk with the Lord 110% or I was going to just say forget it and just let this spiral take me and destroy me and ruin me. It was then that I had to fall on my face before God, to ask forgiveness and to realize things have to change. My life HAS to change. Oh I have wanted that before...but I wanted to be able to mingle this world and Jesus still. It doesn't work like that. And even though this is the 700th (atleast) time I had fallen on my face before God..this was different. He began to change me then and there.. he began to pour out his love and grace on me. I felt strong again I felt peaceful I felt comfort. I no longer felt empty. But I also felt his hand on my heart going..we need to do surgery.. and we need to do it now. And boy did he..and he still is. Some of those things were really hard and still are. And of course some of those things he is still working on me in. But it is only through him that I was able to come to a place where I said I am done Lord I am tired of running from you..I'm yours wholeheartedly. 


I have no doubt I am gonna face things and not always do the right thing. But the mindset its that 180 degree turn when we repent. I want to love what he loves and hate what he hates. Its not my will but yours Lord. I am not saying that I got it going on and I am just " oh look at me" cause that is sooooo not the case. I am a sinner saved by grace and grace alone. Nothing of myself but the Lord. All I can do is guard my heart and point my eyes to Jesus. I have seen how even when I take my eyes off him for the smallest thing it gives way for the enemy. And he is coming at me..woooo buddy he is coming. But I do not fear because in the end...We win! 


My heart is spoken for! There is no turning back ...its all or nothing. It may not be easy and there will be times where it may hurt but with the Lord I will make it through. I will run the race set before me and running as to win. This life has nothing for me..but in God I have everything.


So what about you.. are you all in?

Fork in the Road

Have you ever been walking one way and you come to a point where you need to make a decision and you know that no matter which road you will take there will be immediate pain but knowing down the road the Lord will make it all better. We have all been there where something has come in our lives and we can either choose to listen to our "hearts" or our "heads" as people say. I think we should rather say we can choose to listen to God or we can listen to our flesh. Cause really that's what it amounts to. Our hearts will deceive us so easily and our minds well we can convince ourselves of the decision we are making is the correct one because such and such.

I am talking about that still small voice inside that you KNOW is God telling you something. And you go but God I REALLY want this or its okay it will work out I just have to have faith, instead of just obeying. It amazes me on a daily basis how I try to convince myself that what I want and what God wants for me sometimes is the same thing. I'm just being selfish and distrusting. I think I know better. Through my life I have slowly and painfully learned that when I hear that voice telling me..Sarah listen. That means Sarah stop talking yourself into this stop trying to make excuses for why this is right and just obey. I would like to think I am getting better at it now. Of course its still a struggle. I am still a fleshly body that wants what it wants. Thats why we are suppose to die to self everyday. How can I live for the Lord when I am living for myself. You can only serve one master.

Lately I made a decision and I know it was the right one. Not an easy one but I feel very blessed by my gracious Lord for guarding my heart through this and confirming in me that this was the right thing. I think its been one of the first big decisions that I just handed over and said okay God I don't like this but....you know best. The peace is overwhelming cause I take comfort in knowing I am doing what my Lord asks me. Do I do this all the time ...ummm no.. I'm working on it. I am a work in progress hahah..I'm trying though, he really has been pointing out alot in my life lately and I am not happy about what he is showing me about myself. Trying to live apart of two worlds, and it just doesn't work like that. Hating myself for being apart of the world but finding that pull towards it. So I am seeking him..seeking him he would give me that peace and that strength to just give it all to him again. I know he is so faithful and even when I fall and mess up he is soooooo gracious and mercifull it breaks my heart that I keep breaking his.

But, I know who my father is. I know he loves me and is holding me close to him all I need to do is hold on. I am so blessed to be called his child. To know that no matter what I go through I am never alone. That when I really don't deserve his mercy he bestowes it upon me anyway. Lord you have my heart, help me to seek you more and just really give it all to you..no matter what the cost. Nothing is worth an eternity without you. I love you Jesus so much. Thank you for always being my best friend, and my Savior.

Time for a Fresh Start :)

I never thought when I wrote my last post that so many things could change in two weeks. Its amazing how God works things out. How he can heal and bestow such amazing gifts we don't deserve. Since then I have settled my divorce and was able to do it on the terms I wanted and what was best for the kids and they are doing really well with it. I will be moving to our new apartment in a couple days and albeit I'm nervous about money I know God will take care of us. Lastly I met and amazing man who loves the Lord, the best man I have ever dated and is everything I ever wanted. So even though things are slowly getting where they need to be and I still have my moments of freakouts and stress I am happy. I haven't been this happy in I don't know how long.

Lord you are so gracious to me, to give me the things I don't deserve. I forever take for granted your love and mercy and your daily blessing to me. Keep reminding me that you are in control and that no matter what you need to get the glory. You have brought me through so much and continue to bring me through even now when I don't see a way out sometimes. I love you so much lord..you are just..amazing..Help me to just remember that amidst any trials I have that you never have ever left me and have taken care of me each and every time I needed you and even when I didn't think I did you still stood there with open arms just waiting for me to run to you. Thank you for all you have done for me..I am happy to be called your child.

The end..

I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately, partly because of everything going on and partly just not having the time. But today I find myself a mix of emotions and not sure how to sort them out. So figured its a good time to just write it all out. I'm getting divorced..its almost over and has been an emotional roller coaster. Sadly the thing that hurts me the most through this is knowing that as a parent I cannot control the pain that will come with all this to the precious little ones I love so much. I can't keep them from it. I look back and go what if...what if I had just said no..stayed away when I should have then I could have saved them all this pain..all this hurt. And here I sit knowing that I can't stop it. Sometimes i just look at their innocent little faces and have to keep from crying. I just want to tell them I'm so sorry..I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you from these pains in your life, I'm sorry I made such wrong choices that lead to this. You deserve so much more.

Divorce is just a miserable thing, for some its easy..I wish mine was...but in the end I will know I tried and I fought to keep them safe and fought to give them the best possible outcome to have the best life I can give them with the situation that is now. Its not over yet so I am not sure what all will happen but I won't stop fighting for them till the end and doing everything I can to ensure their safety and protect their little hearts as much as I can. Lately of course I have had to speak to my ex more than I care to. We haven't spoken more that a few words to eachother in months..and as of late we have talked more..only to see that he is still trying to hurt me and play his usual games he is just trying new angles. I'm tired so tired of it though..its not helping at all and its so draining on me. So just done with it. Thats what lawyers are for right?...I hate that it has to be this way and I fear that he will drag this out as long as possible just for that reason. And what scares me more is that even after its done he will continue to do it. I don't think he realizes thats its really gonna be over. Even though he has moved on with his life..I don't think he wants me to move on with mine. I dunno..I guess time will tell.

As of late I have come to a realization its gonna be a long time before I am able to be with someone again. I feel so much like I am damaged goods.. that he has broken me. Alot of who I was has fallen back into place. But there are some things that I never felt before that I feel now. I do feel broken though..feel like I just don't fit and that breaks my heart even more. I pray one day the lord brings someone into my life that will be the man I need. The man God wants for me. But even if I met him tomorrow I would push him away. I found out recently that I am terrified of something so serious. I never knew that. I am so scared of letting someone get that close to me that they can break my heart, scared to let down my walls to be open to have someone love me. Scared I will make the wrong decision again. And scared I will destroy something that would have been wonderful. So I push those people away..cause its safer that way right. Safer than taking the chance to be hurt. I let myself out there just enough so that I don't get to hurt. I huddle in my corner and keep all this hidden pain to myself. I try to never cry because I fear if I start I won't stop for a long time. I have had to be strong for so long, and sometimes I just want to break down, but I can't. The longing inside for someone really places an actual ache in my heart if you understand that at all. I do just fine on my own, but still its hard when you just want to be held and loved and just know that they are there and you can pour your heart out to them. Lord I know you are that for me and how much greater are you than anyone could be...wish you could swoop down and I could feel your arms around me just carrying me along and letting me rest on you chest, safe and taken care of. And for once be able to just breath close my eyes and just feel free. Guess thats the bad part about these stupid mortal bodies and this freakin sin nature.. Thanks Adam (heheh yeah its your seed that passes sin!) lol

Amidst all this craziness I try to think of how truely blessed I am right now. I have the unending, unconditional love of two amazing little people. Oh if they could only know how much I love them how they just are my reason for everything. My biggest prayer is one day when they have kids they will come to me and go, I knew you loved me mom but...I get it now. Sometimes Nick asks me questions..what would you do if.. and I simply tell him. Babe I would do whatever it takes. He asked me the other day if I would die for him. I said in a heartbeat. I would do anything I could to keep you from ever feeling any pain. And even though I know there are some pains I cannot keep them from I will always do my best to try. Life is full of ups and downs and hard lessons. But one thing I know my kids will always know is. I will never ever leave them, I love them more than anything, and no matter what I will always do whatever it takes to care for them. And I will be here for them always and forever.

Nick and Liv I love you sooo much you are mommies world. I thank God everyday for such a precious gift to get to be your mom. You both are truely Amazing children.


Lord I just ask that you continue to hold me up. Keep me strong. And when I feel I have no more strength and don't think I can stand another moment wrap your arms around me and remind me that I have your strength that you are with me. You never leave. That maybe its a good think I am broken cause you can fix me. You can take all these shattered pieces of my heart and mend them. Help me to be the best mom I can, and protect those little ones hearts lord guard them. And soften my ex's heart lord. Show him what he is doing in this whole thing is wrong. Let him see what the outome will be by these things. Your amazing Lord and I don't trust you all to often but I will Lord , you've never ever let me down. You sacrificed everything for me. So I am leaving this in your hands.. you know the beginning from the end and how everything will be. So take it all...I love you so much Thank you Jesus for everything that I don't deserve.

Starting over....from scratch

Its been a while and I was hoping that feeling I had before would go away about being in my new house..but something didn't sit right here..not sure what it was but I do now..sigh..and yet again feel like another failure has come upon me. So I am moving again..Blah I hate moving soo much..but this is gonna make things alot easier to start over. I'm so sick of starting over though..the minute things are going good..wham..everything falls apart. I'm trying Lord you know I am..to the point where I am scared of making decisions cause I just feel like no matter what I decide its gonna be wrong. I just want to be able to live and be a good servant of the lords be the best mother to my kids..and hopefully get the chance again to be a wife one day.

So I leave in about a week and I have nothing done..as usual lol gonna wait till the last three days. Thankfully when I moved this time I really got rid of alot of stuff so this should make things easier. I also decided to sell almost all my furniture. Just decided if I am starting over from scratch it seems well..better get rid of all the things that had to do with my marriage. Everything I have we bought pretty much when we got married. So out with the old in with the new. I ready for a fresh new beginning. So here we go on another wild ride. Maybe I cannot screw it up this time...we shall see.

New Chapter

So I am all moved into a new home, getting ready to put my kids in their new school, and trying to start a new life. Things have been rough but we got through them and we still have a little ways to go before we are really all settled but its looking good. Love my new house and better yet the kids love it, which makes me happy. I just want the best for them in every way and I feel I have fallen so short of that this past year. Trying to make up for it now. Its really nice cause summer is here and I can spend the day with them and with me not having to work but basically one job it really brings my stress level down.

At the same time.. I should be soo happy so excited and just overjoyed at this new chapter in my life..but for some off reason..I'm depressed...I kept thinking that maybe when I move the excitement will set in..and then I moved and yes it is very exciting and I am happy to have this home, but I just feel like something is missing..I realize this is the first time I have moved alone in about 7 years..craziness eh...I mean I have my wonderful children to share all this with but I still feel lonely and that something is just missing and I can't quite put my finger on it..I just think how nice it would be to have someone to share all these things with ...too get excited with me..and to know how hard I worked (with Gods help) to get where I am now..

There is this emptiness that has become overwhelming lately and I am not sure how to handle it. I have no reason to feel lonely or empty. I have 2 wonderful children that are my angels and I just couldn't ask for more..I have a home that I can handle.. I have a job..so I just don't get it whats wrong with me...why with all these wonderful things in my life do I still feel empty..unfulfilled..alone..I really wish I knew..I don't miss the man I was married to (and still am uhhggg) but I do miss being married. I just miss having that other half of yourself there with you..or so it felt anyway. I don't feel whole and it seems nothing is filling that hole up..

My son told me the other day that he wonders what Christian I am gonna marry..it was very cute he said that he wouldn't tolerate me marrying anyone who isn't a chrisitan cause they need to respect God... wow from an 8 year old..I just said I have no idea who God has for me Nick..but I am sure he is somewhere.. I am not in a hurry to rush into anything again..but my heart does ache at the thought of being alone..so I dunno whats wrong with me :( hope this passes and I can be happy and enjoy all that I have.

I Will Never Miss you...

This is a song I wrote recently, always helps to put words to paper and music for me....

All The pain you did me so wrong, So I won't miss you when you're gone.
All those memories in the dark, their like shadows on my heart, All you did was play a part,
I'm done with you its time for a new start.

So I won't miss the way you felt, locked up inside yourself.
all the things you put me through, no I will never miss you...

I'm moving on to something more, something better than before
close my eyes and fade you away, I've got no more tears left to pay

So I won't miss the way you felt, locked up inside yourself...
All the things you put me through, no I will never miss you..

I fell for all your lies and games, I've never felt so betrayed.
But you don't hold this heart anymore, and you can't hurt me like before..

Your fading away inside my mind..oh dear god how could I have been so blind,
There's no looking back for me now, cause I know your the one who's missing out..

So I won't miss the way you felt, Your sooooo locked up inside youself.
And all those things you put me through..no I will never miss you...I will never miss you..