Have you ever been walking one way and you come to a point where you need to make a decision and you know that no matter which road you will take there will be immediate pain but knowing down the road the Lord will make it all better. We have all been there where something has come in our lives and we can either choose to listen to our "hearts" or our "heads" as people say. I think we should rather say we can choose to listen to God or we can listen to our flesh. Cause really that's what it amounts to. Our hearts will deceive us so easily and our minds well we can convince ourselves of the decision we are making is the correct one because such and such.
I am talking about that still small voice inside that you KNOW is God telling you something. And you go but God I REALLY want this or its okay it will work out I just have to have faith, instead of just obeying. It amazes me on a daily basis how I try to convince myself that what I want and what God wants for me sometimes is the same thing. I'm just being selfish and distrusting. I think I know better. Through my life I have slowly and painfully learned that when I hear that voice telling me..Sarah listen. That means Sarah stop talking yourself into this stop trying to make excuses for why this is right and just obey. I would like to think I am getting better at it now. Of course its still a struggle. I am still a fleshly body that wants what it wants. Thats why we are suppose to die to self everyday. How can I live for the Lord when I am living for myself. You can only serve one master.
Lately I made a decision and I know it was the right one. Not an easy one but I feel very blessed by my gracious Lord for guarding my heart through this and confirming in me that this was the right thing. I think its been one of the first big decisions that I just handed over and said okay God I don't like this but....you know best. The peace is overwhelming cause I take comfort in knowing I am doing what my Lord asks me. Do I do this all the time ...ummm no.. I'm working on it. I am a work in progress hahah..I'm trying though, he really has been pointing out alot in my life lately and I am not happy about what he is showing me about myself. Trying to live apart of two worlds, and it just doesn't work like that. Hating myself for being apart of the world but finding that pull towards it. So I am seeking him..seeking him he would give me that peace and that strength to just give it all to him again. I know he is so faithful and even when I fall and mess up he is soooooo gracious and mercifull it breaks my heart that I keep breaking his.
But, I know who my father is. I know he loves me and is holding me close to him all I need to do is hold on. I am so blessed to be called his child. To know that no matter what I go through I am never alone. That when I really don't deserve his mercy he bestowes it upon me anyway. Lord you have my heart, help me to seek you more and just really give it all to you..no matter what the cost. Nothing is worth an eternity without you. I love you Jesus so much. Thank you for always being my best friend, and my Savior.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Time for a Fresh Start :)
I never thought when I wrote my last post that so many things could change in two weeks. Its amazing how God works things out. How he can heal and bestow such amazing gifts we don't deserve. Since then I have settled my divorce and was able to do it on the terms I wanted and what was best for the kids and they are doing really well with it. I will be moving to our new apartment in a couple days and albeit I'm nervous about money I know God will take care of us. Lastly I met and amazing man who loves the Lord, the best man I have ever dated and is everything I ever wanted. So even though things are slowly getting where they need to be and I still have my moments of freakouts and stress I am happy. I haven't been this happy in I don't know how long.
Lord you are so gracious to me, to give me the things I don't deserve. I forever take for granted your love and mercy and your daily blessing to me. Keep reminding me that you are in control and that no matter what you need to get the glory. You have brought me through so much and continue to bring me through even now when I don't see a way out sometimes. I love you so much lord..you are just..amazing..Help me to just remember that amidst any trials I have that you never have ever left me and have taken care of me each and every time I needed you and even when I didn't think I did you still stood there with open arms just waiting for me to run to you. Thank you for all you have done for me..I am happy to be called your child.
Lord you are so gracious to me, to give me the things I don't deserve. I forever take for granted your love and mercy and your daily blessing to me. Keep reminding me that you are in control and that no matter what you need to get the glory. You have brought me through so much and continue to bring me through even now when I don't see a way out sometimes. I love you so much lord..you are just..amazing..Help me to just remember that amidst any trials I have that you never have ever left me and have taken care of me each and every time I needed you and even when I didn't think I did you still stood there with open arms just waiting for me to run to you. Thank you for all you have done for me..I am happy to be called your child.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The end..
I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately, partly because of everything going on and partly just not having the time. But today I find myself a mix of emotions and not sure how to sort them out. So figured its a good time to just write it all out. I'm getting divorced..its almost over and has been an emotional roller coaster. Sadly the thing that hurts me the most through this is knowing that as a parent I cannot control the pain that will come with all this to the precious little ones I love so much. I can't keep them from it. I look back and go what if...what if I had just said no..stayed away when I should have then I could have saved them all this pain..all this hurt. And here I sit knowing that I can't stop it. Sometimes i just look at their innocent little faces and have to keep from crying. I just want to tell them I'm so sorry..I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you from these pains in your life, I'm sorry I made such wrong choices that lead to this. You deserve so much more.
Divorce is just a miserable thing, for some its easy..I wish mine was...but in the end I will know I tried and I fought to keep them safe and fought to give them the best possible outcome to have the best life I can give them with the situation that is now. Its not over yet so I am not sure what all will happen but I won't stop fighting for them till the end and doing everything I can to ensure their safety and protect their little hearts as much as I can. Lately of course I have had to speak to my ex more than I care to. We haven't spoken more that a few words to eachother in months..and as of late we have talked more..only to see that he is still trying to hurt me and play his usual games he is just trying new angles. I'm tired so tired of it though..its not helping at all and its so draining on me. So just done with it. Thats what lawyers are for right?...I hate that it has to be this way and I fear that he will drag this out as long as possible just for that reason. And what scares me more is that even after its done he will continue to do it. I don't think he realizes thats its really gonna be over. Even though he has moved on with his life..I don't think he wants me to move on with mine. I dunno..I guess time will tell.
As of late I have come to a realization its gonna be a long time before I am able to be with someone again. I feel so much like I am damaged goods.. that he has broken me. Alot of who I was has fallen back into place. But there are some things that I never felt before that I feel now. I do feel broken though..feel like I just don't fit and that breaks my heart even more. I pray one day the lord brings someone into my life that will be the man I need. The man God wants for me. But even if I met him tomorrow I would push him away. I found out recently that I am terrified of something so serious. I never knew that. I am so scared of letting someone get that close to me that they can break my heart, scared to let down my walls to be open to have someone love me. Scared I will make the wrong decision again. And scared I will destroy something that would have been wonderful. So I push those people away..cause its safer that way right. Safer than taking the chance to be hurt. I let myself out there just enough so that I don't get to hurt. I huddle in my corner and keep all this hidden pain to myself. I try to never cry because I fear if I start I won't stop for a long time. I have had to be strong for so long, and sometimes I just want to break down, but I can't. The longing inside for someone really places an actual ache in my heart if you understand that at all. I do just fine on my own, but still its hard when you just want to be held and loved and just know that they are there and you can pour your heart out to them. Lord I know you are that for me and how much greater are you than anyone could be...wish you could swoop down and I could feel your arms around me just carrying me along and letting me rest on you chest, safe and taken care of. And for once be able to just breath close my eyes and just feel free. Guess thats the bad part about these stupid mortal bodies and this freakin sin nature.. Thanks Adam (heheh yeah its your seed that passes sin!) lol
Amidst all this craziness I try to think of how truely blessed I am right now. I have the unending, unconditional love of two amazing little people. Oh if they could only know how much I love them how they just are my reason for everything. My biggest prayer is one day when they have kids they will come to me and go, I knew you loved me mom but...I get it now. Sometimes Nick asks me questions..what would you do if.. and I simply tell him. Babe I would do whatever it takes. He asked me the other day if I would die for him. I said in a heartbeat. I would do anything I could to keep you from ever feeling any pain. And even though I know there are some pains I cannot keep them from I will always do my best to try. Life is full of ups and downs and hard lessons. But one thing I know my kids will always know is. I will never ever leave them, I love them more than anything, and no matter what I will always do whatever it takes to care for them. And I will be here for them always and forever.
Nick and Liv I love you sooo much you are mommies world. I thank God everyday for such a precious gift to get to be your mom. You both are truely Amazing children.
Lord I just ask that you continue to hold me up. Keep me strong. And when I feel I have no more strength and don't think I can stand another moment wrap your arms around me and remind me that I have your strength that you are with me. You never leave. That maybe its a good think I am broken cause you can fix me. You can take all these shattered pieces of my heart and mend them. Help me to be the best mom I can, and protect those little ones hearts lord guard them. And soften my ex's heart lord. Show him what he is doing in this whole thing is wrong. Let him see what the outome will be by these things. Your amazing Lord and I don't trust you all to often but I will Lord , you've never ever let me down. You sacrificed everything for me. So I am leaving this in your hands.. you know the beginning from the end and how everything will be. So take it all...I love you so much Thank you Jesus for everything that I don't deserve.
Divorce is just a miserable thing, for some its easy..I wish mine was...but in the end I will know I tried and I fought to keep them safe and fought to give them the best possible outcome to have the best life I can give them with the situation that is now. Its not over yet so I am not sure what all will happen but I won't stop fighting for them till the end and doing everything I can to ensure their safety and protect their little hearts as much as I can. Lately of course I have had to speak to my ex more than I care to. We haven't spoken more that a few words to eachother in months..and as of late we have talked more..only to see that he is still trying to hurt me and play his usual games he is just trying new angles. I'm tired so tired of it though..its not helping at all and its so draining on me. So just done with it. Thats what lawyers are for right?...I hate that it has to be this way and I fear that he will drag this out as long as possible just for that reason. And what scares me more is that even after its done he will continue to do it. I don't think he realizes thats its really gonna be over. Even though he has moved on with his life..I don't think he wants me to move on with mine. I dunno..I guess time will tell.
As of late I have come to a realization its gonna be a long time before I am able to be with someone again. I feel so much like I am damaged goods.. that he has broken me. Alot of who I was has fallen back into place. But there are some things that I never felt before that I feel now. I do feel broken though..feel like I just don't fit and that breaks my heart even more. I pray one day the lord brings someone into my life that will be the man I need. The man God wants for me. But even if I met him tomorrow I would push him away. I found out recently that I am terrified of something so serious. I never knew that. I am so scared of letting someone get that close to me that they can break my heart, scared to let down my walls to be open to have someone love me. Scared I will make the wrong decision again. And scared I will destroy something that would have been wonderful. So I push those people away..cause its safer that way right. Safer than taking the chance to be hurt. I let myself out there just enough so that I don't get to hurt. I huddle in my corner and keep all this hidden pain to myself. I try to never cry because I fear if I start I won't stop for a long time. I have had to be strong for so long, and sometimes I just want to break down, but I can't. The longing inside for someone really places an actual ache in my heart if you understand that at all. I do just fine on my own, but still its hard when you just want to be held and loved and just know that they are there and you can pour your heart out to them. Lord I know you are that for me and how much greater are you than anyone could be...wish you could swoop down and I could feel your arms around me just carrying me along and letting me rest on you chest, safe and taken care of. And for once be able to just breath close my eyes and just feel free. Guess thats the bad part about these stupid mortal bodies and this freakin sin nature.. Thanks Adam (heheh yeah its your seed that passes sin!) lol
Amidst all this craziness I try to think of how truely blessed I am right now. I have the unending, unconditional love of two amazing little people. Oh if they could only know how much I love them how they just are my reason for everything. My biggest prayer is one day when they have kids they will come to me and go, I knew you loved me mom but...I get it now. Sometimes Nick asks me questions..what would you do if.. and I simply tell him. Babe I would do whatever it takes. He asked me the other day if I would die for him. I said in a heartbeat. I would do anything I could to keep you from ever feeling any pain. And even though I know there are some pains I cannot keep them from I will always do my best to try. Life is full of ups and downs and hard lessons. But one thing I know my kids will always know is. I will never ever leave them, I love them more than anything, and no matter what I will always do whatever it takes to care for them. And I will be here for them always and forever.
Nick and Liv I love you sooo much you are mommies world. I thank God everyday for such a precious gift to get to be your mom. You both are truely Amazing children.
Lord I just ask that you continue to hold me up. Keep me strong. And when I feel I have no more strength and don't think I can stand another moment wrap your arms around me and remind me that I have your strength that you are with me. You never leave. That maybe its a good think I am broken cause you can fix me. You can take all these shattered pieces of my heart and mend them. Help me to be the best mom I can, and protect those little ones hearts lord guard them. And soften my ex's heart lord. Show him what he is doing in this whole thing is wrong. Let him see what the outome will be by these things. Your amazing Lord and I don't trust you all to often but I will Lord , you've never ever let me down. You sacrificed everything for me. So I am leaving this in your hands.. you know the beginning from the end and how everything will be. So take it all...I love you so much Thank you Jesus for everything that I don't deserve.
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