answered and unanswered prayers

Each day brings new challaneges, things are always changing and you never know whats gonna happen next...the past couple days have been a mix of answered prayers and unanswered prayers..but I have to first and formost thank god..although be it I have no clue how the conversation included this I found out my husband is seeking the lord.. Which has been such a deep deep prayer for me I cannot..well I am sure just from my post you have seen how many tears I have cried begging the lord to not let him turn away from him. As far as some of the ideas he is having about the lord not sure where he is getting his information but atleast I know a little better how to pray for him instead of just Lord don't let him go...but praise God.. I had asked the Lord over and over again please show me something that your working because my heart is weary and this path is hard and even the smallest glimpse something so show me that you are doing what you said you will.. and sure enough there we go.. God is soo good...and yet we choose to not believe him..He says he will not withold any good things from us.. and its a good thing for reconciliation, its a good thing to want the Lord as head of your family in all aspects, and its a good thing to know eternity will be spent together with the ones you love.

Now of course any issues with our marriage and any kind of reconciliation is still a LONG ways off I think anyways..I don't know how God plans to mend all this but I know he will. Because he has never waivered in what he has always spoken to me regarding my marriage and regarding what I needed to do as far as me and God goes.. I just haven't always chosen to follow it cause I think I know better.. which obviously I don't..The Divorce is still on the table and apart of me expects to see the papers in the mail and apart of me doesn't...but it is not my job to convince him of what the bible says and not only that what God has spoken to my heart..Thats between him and the Lord he chooses what he will do..But it cannot involve me in that process I gave him some scripture to look up..but other than that...I just can't..it has to be God working in his life.. and I pray in time..God's time...he will listen to the lord.

So I will pray and try to calm my heart that leaps with the thought he is atleast trying to open his heart up to what God has to say..because the road ahead is not easy and its very long but when Jesus carries you you know what.. it aint that bad of a ride when you can sleep on his shoulder.

So Lord thanks for always being faithful, knowing that you don't owe me a sign or anything because the only sign I ever need is on the cross..but yet you know my heart and you know that I needed that you are soo merciful that even while we struggle with things and unbelief you are still sitting there going ..if you would just believe me..believe I can do all I said I will because I work all things for your good because you love me..oh how precious our savior is that he comes down to our level and shows us small glimpses to calm are heart and to continue to endure. He is such a great encourager and I am so blessed to call him my father.

Falling apart...

So today things are starting to hit me. I have until the 30th for my fulltime job then I won't have it anymore which is depressing just in and of itself..but today I feel alone..i feel empty and scared. And I miss you so much today, I have been fine the past week or two..just trying to live and survive..but today I am in tears I miss you so dearly. Probably my own fault for looking at pictures of old time and special moments..and I don't understand..how did I get here. How did all this happen..and why isn't it being fixed...my heart hurts and feels like there is nothing left..everything around me feels like its falling apart..and all I want is you to be there to hold me and tell me you are there. and it hurts the most that you won't and there is nothing I can say or do to change anything. It is soo frustrating to be inlove with somone who could care less. I don't know what I am gonna do about anything and trying to just leave it in Gods hands but I am so scared...I don't wanna move I don't want to keep on struggling and I just wish everything would be okay it doesn't have to be perfect but I would take okay no more drama no more pain...

Well thats where I am right now :( uhhggg I hate this..trying to not call you trying to not break down..pretend like I am soo strong and I can handle it as usually but inside I am just broken..

Anyways nothing I can do soo just gonna keep going I guess...dunno where but keep going

steps along the beaten path

Whew been a while since I wrote, only because so much is going on and I am not quite sure what on earth I am suppose to do about any of it...feel like a country song, lost my husband, might lose my job, waiting for the dog to fall dead..lol no but really its been rough and a testing couple weeks. It seems I may not have a job soon, to much drama to write about basically they want a scape goat and I am the candidate. so oh well.. but I am terrified..what will I do, where will I live I dunno..if I lose the job I lose my house and its just soo scary and when all of it started happening all I could do was sit..no one really to call I felt sooo alone. I am so greatful for the close friends I have that let me blab their ears off with all my drama..but when its all said and done and I am sitting alone in the dark..its all soo big and so real..how did I get here..Life seems to never work out quite the way we want it to. I want to just run away , go in a corner and not come out..but when you have other people depending on you its not that easy. So I am just trying to take a deep breath and hold it together. I am just scared at any moment I am gonna lose it completly.. The stress just seems to be building more and more.. and with no help it makes it really hard..

The sad part..the only person I wanted to call was my husband..he was the only one I wanted with me..he had always been a rock when it came to issues with my job..always stood by me and if it came to it would have told me to tell them to shove it and move on. But he wasn't here for that..he wasn't here to tell me it would be okay and we would figure it out together and we would be okay. And I sat there staring at the phone for probably a good hour just holding myself back from calling ... cause it wouldn't help and wouldn't change anything..I had to realize I am in this alone (of course I have God) but as far as everything goes..it was just me and I think that part sinking in slowly more and more is whats making this soo hard..I feel soo weak and like I am making allt he wrong decisions sometimes..I want to close my eyes and wake up to the part where everything is fixed and happy..whenever that may be

But God has a reason for allowing all this in my life and even though I don't have the slightest clue why I know he always makes a way of escape.. and it might be losing my job and moving again..and starting over yet again but I guess if thats what he wants than I will just have to do it. I know we will be a happy family where ever we are as long as we are together. So i am trying to take a deep breath not run away from it all but just stand..not knowing what tomorrow will bring and being unsure of how anything will turn out but I am gonna stand on the promise that God is faithful.

on a side note.. funny story... tried to cut my sons hair myself yesterday...ummm note to self don't do that again..needless to say we are gonna buzz it off today lol