Starting over....from scratch

Its been a while and I was hoping that feeling I had before would go away about being in my new house..but something didn't sit right here..not sure what it was but I do now..sigh..and yet again feel like another failure has come upon me. So I am moving again..Blah I hate moving soo much..but this is gonna make things alot easier to start over. I'm so sick of starting over though..the minute things are going good..wham..everything falls apart. I'm trying Lord you know I am..to the point where I am scared of making decisions cause I just feel like no matter what I decide its gonna be wrong. I just want to be able to live and be a good servant of the lords be the best mother to my kids..and hopefully get the chance again to be a wife one day.

So I leave in about a week and I have nothing done..as usual lol gonna wait till the last three days. Thankfully when I moved this time I really got rid of alot of stuff so this should make things easier. I also decided to sell almost all my furniture. Just decided if I am starting over from scratch it seems well..better get rid of all the things that had to do with my marriage. Everything I have we bought pretty much when we got married. So out with the old in with the new. I ready for a fresh new beginning. So here we go on another wild ride. Maybe I cannot screw it up this time...we shall see.

New Chapter

So I am all moved into a new home, getting ready to put my kids in their new school, and trying to start a new life. Things have been rough but we got through them and we still have a little ways to go before we are really all settled but its looking good. Love my new house and better yet the kids love it, which makes me happy. I just want the best for them in every way and I feel I have fallen so short of that this past year. Trying to make up for it now. Its really nice cause summer is here and I can spend the day with them and with me not having to work but basically one job it really brings my stress level down.

At the same time.. I should be soo happy so excited and just overjoyed at this new chapter in my life..but for some off reason..I'm depressed...I kept thinking that maybe when I move the excitement will set in..and then I moved and yes it is very exciting and I am happy to have this home, but I just feel like something is missing..I realize this is the first time I have moved alone in about 7 years..craziness eh...I mean I have my wonderful children to share all this with but I still feel lonely and that something is just missing and I can't quite put my finger on it..I just think how nice it would be to have someone to share all these things with ...too get excited with me..and to know how hard I worked (with Gods help) to get where I am now..

There is this emptiness that has become overwhelming lately and I am not sure how to handle it. I have no reason to feel lonely or empty. I have 2 wonderful children that are my angels and I just couldn't ask for more..I have a home that I can handle.. I have a job..so I just don't get it whats wrong with me...why with all these wonderful things in my life do I still feel empty..unfulfilled..alone..I really wish I knew..I don't miss the man I was married to (and still am uhhggg) but I do miss being married. I just miss having that other half of yourself there with you..or so it felt anyway. I don't feel whole and it seems nothing is filling that hole up..

My son told me the other day that he wonders what Christian I am gonna marry..it was very cute he said that he wouldn't tolerate me marrying anyone who isn't a chrisitan cause they need to respect God... wow from an 8 year old..I just said I have no idea who God has for me Nick..but I am sure he is somewhere.. I am not in a hurry to rush into anything again..but my heart does ache at the thought of being alone..so I dunno whats wrong with me :( hope this passes and I can be happy and enjoy all that I have.

I Will Never Miss you...

This is a song I wrote recently, always helps to put words to paper and music for me....

All The pain you did me so wrong, So I won't miss you when you're gone.
All those memories in the dark, their like shadows on my heart, All you did was play a part,
I'm done with you its time for a new start.

So I won't miss the way you felt, locked up inside yourself.
all the things you put me through, no I will never miss you...

I'm moving on to something more, something better than before
close my eyes and fade you away, I've got no more tears left to pay

So I won't miss the way you felt, locked up inside yourself...
All the things you put me through, no I will never miss you..

I fell for all your lies and games, I've never felt so betrayed.
But you don't hold this heart anymore, and you can't hurt me like before..

Your fading away inside my mind..oh dear god how could I have been so blind,
There's no looking back for me now, cause I know your the one who's missing out..

So I won't miss the way you felt, Your sooooo locked up inside youself.
And all those things you put me through..no I will never miss you...I will never miss you..

Been a While...Moving on

Well its been quite a while since I have written anything...so much has gone on and decisions had to be made...all I know is I tried..and I know that put everything I could into this. I have decided that moving on is all I can do. I have realized that the person I thought I loved never existed and will never exist and that this man will never change..nothing has changed..and I won't be held back any longer. Ready to start living life again. Apart of me feels like I have failed..but then apart of me feels like if I continue to stay in this position then I have failed not only myself but my children.

I have been doing really well..I am actually happy can you believe that?? me happy?? lol seems like such a foreign concept after so many years of drama pain and issues..Its a little scary to move on from the past but I am looking forward to what the future may hold for me..still love my favorite verse.."For I know the plans I have for you plans for good and not for evil" I know that the road I lead is uncertain and I don't know where it will take me so just taking one step at a time..I am soo thankful to the loving family and friends I have that have stood with me through this time..let me cry on their shoulders, laugh with them, and been there to support me in everything.I am actually excited about the next chapter in my life and seeing where this road will lead to..bad things happen and sometimes there is nothing you can do about them but let them go. But like I said I have full knowledge and comfort in knowing I did all I could do and feel that I am finally doing the right thing for me and my family. So off I go into the unknown with my eyes wide open...so no hope is lost..just changed to a different angle...hope for the future and the wonderful journey that lies ahead..