I Miss You

I thought this was suppose to get easier but I guess not..it seems to be getting harder :( I just miss you soo much and I miss you more and more each day..and each day that passes and we don't talk my heart hurts just a little more..its been a month...feels like forever..I miss telling you how my day went and listening to yours. I miss the sweet little texts of " I love you's" and " can't wait to see you" we would send..and I miss you calling me in the morning to say good morning to me..I hate this soo much.. I feel like I am missing apart of myself..and its a battle everyday to not call you to not text you and tell you how much I miss you and how much I love you.. so I just sit on my bed and cry..God I cry so many tears for you, and I beg God to fix this and even though I don't know how this will all end and workout I know it will but in Gods timing..I just can't imagine our lives serperate and it just rips me to pieces to think of it that way.

I wish you knew how much I love you..I think you do and I want too badly to tell you, you have no idea how hard this has been for me to not act upon everything I want to do.. but I know it wouldn't change anything.. I'm not gonna play those games this time, I'm not gonna beg you to come back..I can't not this time.. I can pray thats all and know that God can change your heart and turn you back to him and reconcile us..But since I can't call you and tell you how I feel I will write it here.. I LOVE YOU!!!! I MISS YOU!!! soo much it hurts.. I see your face soo clearly in my mind your beautiful smile with your dimples and the way your eyes have this sweet glow when you look at me...and I hear all your words that you said echo in my mind all day and its like torture..but I hold so tight to them...Its been rough this past 9 years.. God knows that..but he can make the next 9...15...20 a dream :) so I am trying to just trust him and its soo hard.. its soo hard to let go..I feel like this pain will never end..and it will never change sometimes but then I hear Gods voice whisper to me.. I hear you and I love you and I can make this all better just be patient I am working...not as fast as I may want but he does show me in little ways he is working..soo I will sit and love you and miss you and just pray that you know I am here praying for you..

Soooo tired...

So this week has been rough...rougher than I thought it would be.. I knew there would be days that would suck..but not everyday...I just miss you soo much...and I have no idea why I miss you so much..I don't even know if I knew you...and the person I miss may have been a fake..uhhggg I dunno. And I have sat and watched my sons heart break over and over again because I have to explain to him that you aren't going to come back..and even though he thinks he can make you it wouldn't be the right way... I hate seeing him in that pain that I cannot fix..and all I can say is lets pray for daddy..and that I miss you too and I wish you were here too..but I know that it can't happen..not like this.

But, I have sat and cried over and over..just wondering..wanting to just throw the towel in...to just forget about you...but I can't..and I don't get it.. I should hate you, and I don't which is frustrating cause I am sure it would be easier if I hated you..but I love you..with all my heart..and I guess thats what hurts soo bad.. to love you soo much and see what you are doing. Watching the path you are taking and terrified I am gonna get a call one day that you are gone. and I just don't wanna think about that.

And I look at the things you wrote me and I am just am trying to find out how I didn't see...how you could have been such a good liar..and I don't know. Did you ever love me...was it ever about me. And were you soo unhappy? Just stupid thoughts I think.. and I have no clue..no clue what was true. But I know my love was real..there were hard times but I loved you..I will always love you..and I have forgiven you for the things you've done to me and to our kids. And I have no idea what is gonna happen next. and sometimes I just get scared...and all I want is to call you and talk to you to tell you how much I miss you and love you..and that I need you. But I know it doesn't matter it doesn't solve anything so I don't say anything..I just get my bible and then pour my heart out to God. Cause he is the only one that can fix this... and I don't see how he can but I know he can.. and I ask him with everything in me to change your life..so that it is right that we can be right together..that I can look at you and know I will see you in eternity...

So it has been a rough week of alot of tears and heartbroken moments where I feel soo low..but Jesus picks me up and shows me everyday how much he is there for me. And I pray for you always..all day..all night..that your heart would not be hardened..and that you can see...and that he would tell you that I love you because I can't.. and I won't stop.. no matter how tired I am..I will never stop praying for you and hoping and having faith in God that he will make this all right.