The end..

I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately, partly because of everything going on and partly just not having the time. But today I find myself a mix of emotions and not sure how to sort them out. So figured its a good time to just write it all out. I'm getting divorced..its almost over and has been an emotional roller coaster. Sadly the thing that hurts me the most through this is knowing that as a parent I cannot control the pain that will come with all this to the precious little ones I love so much. I can't keep them from it. I look back and go what if...what if I had just said no..stayed away when I should have then I could have saved them all this pain..all this hurt. And here I sit knowing that I can't stop it. Sometimes i just look at their innocent little faces and have to keep from crying. I just want to tell them I'm so sorry..I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you from these pains in your life, I'm sorry I made such wrong choices that lead to this. You deserve so much more.

Divorce is just a miserable thing, for some its easy..I wish mine was...but in the end I will know I tried and I fought to keep them safe and fought to give them the best possible outcome to have the best life I can give them with the situation that is now. Its not over yet so I am not sure what all will happen but I won't stop fighting for them till the end and doing everything I can to ensure their safety and protect their little hearts as much as I can. Lately of course I have had to speak to my ex more than I care to. We haven't spoken more that a few words to eachother in months..and as of late we have talked more..only to see that he is still trying to hurt me and play his usual games he is just trying new angles. I'm tired so tired of it though..its not helping at all and its so draining on me. So just done with it. Thats what lawyers are for right?...I hate that it has to be this way and I fear that he will drag this out as long as possible just for that reason. And what scares me more is that even after its done he will continue to do it. I don't think he realizes thats its really gonna be over. Even though he has moved on with his life..I don't think he wants me to move on with mine. I dunno..I guess time will tell.

As of late I have come to a realization its gonna be a long time before I am able to be with someone again. I feel so much like I am damaged goods.. that he has broken me. Alot of who I was has fallen back into place. But there are some things that I never felt before that I feel now. I do feel broken though..feel like I just don't fit and that breaks my heart even more. I pray one day the lord brings someone into my life that will be the man I need. The man God wants for me. But even if I met him tomorrow I would push him away. I found out recently that I am terrified of something so serious. I never knew that. I am so scared of letting someone get that close to me that they can break my heart, scared to let down my walls to be open to have someone love me. Scared I will make the wrong decision again. And scared I will destroy something that would have been wonderful. So I push those people away..cause its safer that way right. Safer than taking the chance to be hurt. I let myself out there just enough so that I don't get to hurt. I huddle in my corner and keep all this hidden pain to myself. I try to never cry because I fear if I start I won't stop for a long time. I have had to be strong for so long, and sometimes I just want to break down, but I can't. The longing inside for someone really places an actual ache in my heart if you understand that at all. I do just fine on my own, but still its hard when you just want to be held and loved and just know that they are there and you can pour your heart out to them. Lord I know you are that for me and how much greater are you than anyone could be...wish you could swoop down and I could feel your arms around me just carrying me along and letting me rest on you chest, safe and taken care of. And for once be able to just breath close my eyes and just feel free. Guess thats the bad part about these stupid mortal bodies and this freakin sin nature.. Thanks Adam (heheh yeah its your seed that passes sin!) lol

Amidst all this craziness I try to think of how truely blessed I am right now. I have the unending, unconditional love of two amazing little people. Oh if they could only know how much I love them how they just are my reason for everything. My biggest prayer is one day when they have kids they will come to me and go, I knew you loved me mom but...I get it now. Sometimes Nick asks me questions..what would you do if.. and I simply tell him. Babe I would do whatever it takes. He asked me the other day if I would die for him. I said in a heartbeat. I would do anything I could to keep you from ever feeling any pain. And even though I know there are some pains I cannot keep them from I will always do my best to try. Life is full of ups and downs and hard lessons. But one thing I know my kids will always know is. I will never ever leave them, I love them more than anything, and no matter what I will always do whatever it takes to care for them. And I will be here for them always and forever.

Nick and Liv I love you sooo much you are mommies world. I thank God everyday for such a precious gift to get to be your mom. You both are truely Amazing children.


Lord I just ask that you continue to hold me up. Keep me strong. And when I feel I have no more strength and don't think I can stand another moment wrap your arms around me and remind me that I have your strength that you are with me. You never leave. That maybe its a good think I am broken cause you can fix me. You can take all these shattered pieces of my heart and mend them. Help me to be the best mom I can, and protect those little ones hearts lord guard them. And soften my ex's heart lord. Show him what he is doing in this whole thing is wrong. Let him see what the outome will be by these things. Your amazing Lord and I don't trust you all to often but I will Lord , you've never ever let me down. You sacrificed everything for me. So I am leaving this in your hands.. you know the beginning from the end and how everything will be. So take it all...I love you so much Thank you Jesus for everything that I don't deserve.