Wasted Time

So...... been a rollercoaster ride lately and right now I am on the 90 degree angle going down...fell like the restraints are loosing and at any moment are gonna I am gonna fall out. yeah needless to say it really sucks..I just don't know what to do.. I feel stuck and trapped and just plain out depressed.. I look back on the almost 10 years of my life that I have been going through this and after what happened its like wow....wasted time..of course I got my beautiful children out of it soo there were some perks. but 10 years is a long time to hold on to something that never was. When you are a little girl you dream of the prince charming and the white dress and the home and the kids and all that..I don't believe any part of that dream invloved anything that I have gone through the past 10 years..but of course alot of that is my fault..bad decisions..never realized just how horrible the decisions you make in your life can be...where they can take you. I feel like a failure.. feel let I am letting my kids down..god down..everyone down.. cause all I want to do right now is go print divorce papers and send them in and be done...just accept my failure and move on..and I am not sure what keeps me from it..think apart of it is not wanting to know that 10 years was a waste..cause how awful is that..then there is the part that hears the lord telling me that I am not doing what he told me to do...which at the moment guess I am not..then heres the small part of me that thinks if I let this go...if I walk away I know he will sign them and then that chance is gone..and by chance I mean that small tiny ity bity piece of thread that you can barely see thats almost invisible that things would be how god wants them would be gone. So I don't know...all I know is that I just feel like crap..all around. I feel like just giving up completely cause I feel like I have lost all hope. I don't want to be with someone that loves with conditions..based on looks or what they can get from me. And more importantly I don't want to be with someone who is trying to force themselves to love me because they are suppose to.. I want to be loved because they truley just love me..same reason God gave us free will he doesn't want us to love him cause he made us love him..he wants us to love him because we want to love him. I realized the other night that I am not inlove with my husband..which not sure how that makes me feel..and I realized how he really feels which makes it more understandable why he can just walk away with no regrets...cause to him its nothing..I'm nothing.

So I am just sitting here not knowing what to do wanting to probably make more bad decisions cause I just don't know what the right ones are anymore. I have taken from my kids a life the deserved to have because of my bad decisions, and I sit here now heartbroken cause I didn't have the strenght to stay away years and years ago..because I thought he really loved me..oh how our hearts betray us and our minds..we can want something so bad that we make ourselves believe that its really true. And I did I really really believed he was still in love with me deep down..that he really wanted me and thats just not the case.. In fact I really don't believe he loves me at all..oh he cares of course we have children but in all honesty I really think if we didn't he could walk away and never speak to me again and his life would be fine..and to a point so would mine..but not sure what makes my heart hurt at the thought of that. Maybe its the fact of accepting failure..or realizing its over..that no matter what you were never good enough for this person..the one person in your life that was suppose to love you and cherish you and honor you...that for some reason they never wanted those things with you...I dunno..

Its really hard lately cause I spend alot of time around happy loving couples..ones who just adore eachother oh I know they have their issues..but you see it..you see it in the way they look at eachother the glances that you catch when they think no ones looking..the small touches or just a number of things..that is love..in its purest form..just very sweet. And its hard to not see that and wish with all my heart I had that.. I want to look back on memories and cherish them..not the way I do now realizing that even those moments theones I soo dearly held onto...they were all lies every last one of them..how utterly decieved I was..and how easily decieved apparently I was.


So I look back on this past 10 years and my heart breaks..1/3 of my life gone..and all of it lies and deceit and hurt..the only good thing that came out of it was the kids but yet...I see their little hearts hurt because I failed...Icouldn't give them the life they should have.. a mother and a father who love God and love them...they are just stuck with me.. a struggling mom who makes bad decisions all too often..who loses her temper and works to much. A woman who fails God constantly and fails her children everyday because she is not being the woman Gods wants her to be...and I feel stuck like this...feel like everything I do is just more time wasted..