Steps back and more tears

So things were going really well...talking being civil...and then I dunno...just down they went...
my heart hurts soo much right now... I hate playing mind games and I so feel that is what is going on...but tonight things were said...things that cut to who I am..that hurt soo deep..things that you never say to someone no matter how true they are..but he said them to me..dear god it hurts soo bad.. how can someone be soo cruel..I don't understand lord..I don't understand how you can fix this when he doesn't love me when he says these things..but then says he is willing to work on trying to love me..I mean who wants to know that..who wants to look at that person and think your trying to make yourself care about me..its a horrid horrid feeling..I feel so much like just crawling in a corner.. I feel soo worthless and soo disgusting and just like a piece of crap..and I just don't know what to do..the things he said can never be unsaid..god my heart just is sinking..this post is all over the place sorry but I am all over the place right now..I just can't believe someone would say those things ...what do I do now lord..how do you go on knowing god wants you to be with this person..and then know how this person thinks of you...
Apparently even the good things that were apart of our marriage weren't in his eyes..the areas I thought we were okay..apparently they were all awful in his eyes.. I don't even want to try anymore.. I just want to give up and stay away from him..and find someone who will love me for me...not for how I look or what I can give them or how I can please them.


okay deep breaths and I need to pray god how I need you right now...