Been a While...Moving on

Well its been quite a while since I have written anything...so much has gone on and decisions had to be made...all I know is I tried..and I know that put everything I could into this. I have decided that moving on is all I can do. I have realized that the person I thought I loved never existed and will never exist and that this man will never change..nothing has changed..and I won't be held back any longer. Ready to start living life again. Apart of me feels like I have failed..but then apart of me feels like if I continue to stay in this position then I have failed not only myself but my children.

I have been doing really well..I am actually happy can you believe that?? me happy?? lol seems like such a foreign concept after so many years of drama pain and issues..Its a little scary to move on from the past but I am looking forward to what the future may hold for me..still love my favorite verse.."For I know the plans I have for you plans for good and not for evil" I know that the road I lead is uncertain and I don't know where it will take me so just taking one step at a time..I am soo thankful to the loving family and friends I have that have stood with me through this time..let me cry on their shoulders, laugh with them, and been there to support me in everything.I am actually excited about the next chapter in my life and seeing where this road will lead to..bad things happen and sometimes there is nothing you can do about them but let them go. But like I said I have full knowledge and comfort in knowing I did all I could do and feel that I am finally doing the right thing for me and my family. So off I go into the unknown with my eyes wide open...so no hope is lost..just changed to a different angle...hope for the future and the wonderful journey that lies ahead..

A cut to the heart...

Today has been one of those days just crazy getting kids ready for school...and just running around and being tired from work..then a fight..uhhgg...There are people in your lives that you think will never turn their back on you...but then you realize that that is exactly what they have done. People that you once were so close to they were closer than your own family.I don't understand why people act the way they do or think the way they think..I have never done anything to them, I have always been there and done whatever I could whenever I could. I would have given them the shirt off my back if I could. And yet here we are today and they have pushed me out of their lives..and that pain just hurts alot. I have attempted on several occasions to call email message them to say hello and see how they are and I get nothing in return. What did I do wrong?
what did I ever do to be shunned from their lives. and in the situation I am in if things are ever resolved how do you just pretend like they didn't just push you away. I could never do that..I could understand if I was some evil person that did horrid things to them but I didn't..I just don't get it. but I just decided if thats what they wanted to do then fine.. I am tired of being made to feel like the bad guy like I did something to deserve this treatment..you have to answer to God for your actions. I was told this would happen and Ididn't believe that it would and was assured it never would but yet here I sit and it did happen..I am soo hurt and frustrated and feel just like a piece of crap all these people that said they cared so much turns out they really don't. I just can't describe how this feels to be pushed away by so many that you loved and held so close.

Fireproof

So I just finished watching the movie fireproof yes and I am off and still up till 3am.. and no I don't know what my problem is..to much stuff on my mind. I cried oh how I cried so hard with this movie..and the soundtrack is awesome..I needed this..I needed to see this. Although I have no clue how this can ever be fixed..especially now. I trust you lord plain and simple..Not sure what I am suppose to do at this moment want to text him and ask for his forgiveness for giving up. For disbelieving god. but I am scared..its putting myself out there its taking away the upper hand the control I have to not be hurt. but I guess I just need to...stop trying to put this huge wall up so you don't break my heart so you don't keep hurting me..this is soooo hard. I just keep sitting here thinking how can this ever work..HOW LORD HOW???? I just feel like I am giving in..uhggg this is soo freaking hard. But someone has to bend and I wish it was you...I dunno I just haveno clue what the next step is..so I am not gonna move till I know that. Just wait....gulp....patiently.


Lord help me to be patient..to trust you and know you have never let me down not once ever in my life. Help me to keep praying for my marraige and my husband amidst the feelings I have at the moment over the situation. Lord make it all that you want it to be. And forgive me for giving up and thinking this is beyond what you can do. Amen

Wasted Time

So...... been a rollercoaster ride lately and right now I am on the 90 degree angle going down...fell like the restraints are loosing and at any moment are gonna I am gonna fall out. yeah needless to say it really sucks..I just don't know what to do.. I feel stuck and trapped and just plain out depressed.. I look back on the almost 10 years of my life that I have been going through this and after what happened its like wow....wasted time..of course I got my beautiful children out of it soo there were some perks. but 10 years is a long time to hold on to something that never was. When you are a little girl you dream of the prince charming and the white dress and the home and the kids and all that..I don't believe any part of that dream invloved anything that I have gone through the past 10 years..but of course alot of that is my fault..bad decisions..never realized just how horrible the decisions you make in your life can be...where they can take you. I feel like a failure.. feel let I am letting my kids down..god down..everyone down.. cause all I want to do right now is go print divorce papers and send them in and be done...just accept my failure and move on..and I am not sure what keeps me from it..think apart of it is not wanting to know that 10 years was a waste..cause how awful is that..then there is the part that hears the lord telling me that I am not doing what he told me to do...which at the moment guess I am not..then heres the small part of me that thinks if I let this go...if I walk away I know he will sign them and then that chance is gone..and by chance I mean that small tiny ity bity piece of thread that you can barely see thats almost invisible that things would be how god wants them would be gone. So I don't know...all I know is that I just feel like crap..all around. I feel like just giving up completely cause I feel like I have lost all hope. I don't want to be with someone that loves with conditions..based on looks or what they can get from me. And more importantly I don't want to be with someone who is trying to force themselves to love me because they are suppose to.. I want to be loved because they truley just love me..same reason God gave us free will he doesn't want us to love him cause he made us love him..he wants us to love him because we want to love him. I realized the other night that I am not inlove with my husband..which not sure how that makes me feel..and I realized how he really feels which makes it more understandable why he can just walk away with no regrets...cause to him its nothing..I'm nothing.

So I am just sitting here not knowing what to do wanting to probably make more bad decisions cause I just don't know what the right ones are anymore. I have taken from my kids a life the deserved to have because of my bad decisions, and I sit here now heartbroken cause I didn't have the strenght to stay away years and years ago..because I thought he really loved me..oh how our hearts betray us and our minds..we can want something so bad that we make ourselves believe that its really true. And I did I really really believed he was still in love with me deep down..that he really wanted me and thats just not the case.. In fact I really don't believe he loves me at all..oh he cares of course we have children but in all honesty I really think if we didn't he could walk away and never speak to me again and his life would be fine..and to a point so would mine..but not sure what makes my heart hurt at the thought of that. Maybe its the fact of accepting failure..or realizing its over..that no matter what you were never good enough for this person..the one person in your life that was suppose to love you and cherish you and honor you...that for some reason they never wanted those things with you...I dunno..

Its really hard lately cause I spend alot of time around happy loving couples..ones who just adore eachother oh I know they have their issues..but you see it..you see it in the way they look at eachother the glances that you catch when they think no ones looking..the small touches or just a number of things..that is love..in its purest form..just very sweet. And its hard to not see that and wish with all my heart I had that.. I want to look back on memories and cherish them..not the way I do now realizing that even those moments theones I soo dearly held onto...they were all lies every last one of them..how utterly decieved I was..and how easily decieved apparently I was.


So I look back on this past 10 years and my heart breaks..1/3 of my life gone..and all of it lies and deceit and hurt..the only good thing that came out of it was the kids but yet...I see their little hearts hurt because I failed...Icouldn't give them the life they should have.. a mother and a father who love God and love them...they are just stuck with me.. a struggling mom who makes bad decisions all too often..who loses her temper and works to much. A woman who fails God constantly and fails her children everyday because she is not being the woman Gods wants her to be...and I feel stuck like this...feel like everything I do is just more time wasted..

Steps back and more tears

So things were going really well...talking being civil...and then I dunno...just down they went...
my heart hurts soo much right now... I hate playing mind games and I so feel that is what is going on...but tonight things were said...things that cut to who I am..that hurt soo deep..things that you never say to someone no matter how true they are..but he said them to me..dear god it hurts soo bad.. how can someone be soo cruel..I don't understand lord..I don't understand how you can fix this when he doesn't love me when he says these things..but then says he is willing to work on trying to love me..I mean who wants to know that..who wants to look at that person and think your trying to make yourself care about me..its a horrid horrid feeling..I feel so much like just crawling in a corner.. I feel soo worthless and soo disgusting and just like a piece of crap..and I just don't know what to do..the things he said can never be unsaid..god my heart just is sinking..this post is all over the place sorry but I am all over the place right now..I just can't believe someone would say those things ...what do I do now lord..how do you go on knowing god wants you to be with this person..and then know how this person thinks of you...
Apparently even the good things that were apart of our marriage weren't in his eyes..the areas I thought we were okay..apparently they were all awful in his eyes.. I don't even want to try anymore.. I just want to give up and stay away from him..and find someone who will love me for me...not for how I look or what I can give them or how I can please them.


okay deep breaths and I need to pray god how I need you right now...

Ask and it shall be given, Seek and you shall find, Knock and the door shall be open

So yes it been a while, mainly because I have been going through things and the lord is dealing with me and also because I am just so darn tired from working so much, But praise God! that I have a job and more than one. The past two three weeks have been a battle for me..struggles I never had have come up temptation I never had before has taken me by suprise, oh how the evil one works his ways..but I am not bound to him..not bound to my sin. So yes its been a rough couple weeks but thank you Lord for helping me to realize where I was and that I am but dust and that my eyes were opened to what was going on and you provided a way of escape.. you always do that.

Wow there is so much to type. but later...

answered and unanswered prayers

Each day brings new challaneges, things are always changing and you never know whats gonna happen next...the past couple days have been a mix of answered prayers and unanswered prayers..but I have to first and formost thank god..although be it I have no clue how the conversation included this I found out my husband is seeking the lord.. Which has been such a deep deep prayer for me I cannot..well I am sure just from my post you have seen how many tears I have cried begging the lord to not let him turn away from him. As far as some of the ideas he is having about the lord not sure where he is getting his information but atleast I know a little better how to pray for him instead of just Lord don't let him go...but praise God.. I had asked the Lord over and over again please show me something that your working because my heart is weary and this path is hard and even the smallest glimpse something so show me that you are doing what you said you will.. and sure enough there we go.. God is soo good...and yet we choose to not believe him..He says he will not withold any good things from us.. and its a good thing for reconciliation, its a good thing to want the Lord as head of your family in all aspects, and its a good thing to know eternity will be spent together with the ones you love.

Now of course any issues with our marriage and any kind of reconciliation is still a LONG ways off I think anyways..I don't know how God plans to mend all this but I know he will. Because he has never waivered in what he has always spoken to me regarding my marriage and regarding what I needed to do as far as me and God goes.. I just haven't always chosen to follow it cause I think I know better.. which obviously I don't..The Divorce is still on the table and apart of me expects to see the papers in the mail and apart of me doesn't...but it is not my job to convince him of what the bible says and not only that what God has spoken to my heart..Thats between him and the Lord he chooses what he will do..But it cannot involve me in that process I gave him some scripture to look up..but other than that...I just can't..it has to be God working in his life.. and I pray in time..God's time...he will listen to the lord.

So I will pray and try to calm my heart that leaps with the thought he is atleast trying to open his heart up to what God has to say..because the road ahead is not easy and its very long but when Jesus carries you you know what.. it aint that bad of a ride when you can sleep on his shoulder.

So Lord thanks for always being faithful, knowing that you don't owe me a sign or anything because the only sign I ever need is on the cross..but yet you know my heart and you know that I needed that you are soo merciful that even while we struggle with things and unbelief you are still sitting there going ..if you would just believe me..believe I can do all I said I will because I work all things for your good because you love me..oh how precious our savior is that he comes down to our level and shows us small glimpses to calm are heart and to continue to endure. He is such a great encourager and I am so blessed to call him my father.